A reader asks:
I’ve been an occasional reader of your Serious Faith blog for a while and I feel like I always have questions, but I’ve been hesitant to ask because I’m not sure I’ll like the answer. I’m at the end of my rope on this one, however, and I’d appreciate any insight you have.
I’m 26 and single. I hate being single. I want the companionship and support that comes with being in a relationship. I want someone to love and spend time with and dote on. I feel that God must have given me this desire, as it is so strong and I’ve always felt this way. I’ve prayed every night for about a year for God to bring me a wonderful man. Now I feel like pounding my fists on the ground and asking “Why, God, why, do you give me this desire and not fulfill it?”
I just don’t know what to do. Do I give up? I feel like I should stop asking God because it will hurt less if I don’t ask for it and don’t get it, than if I ask for it and don’t get it. How come everyone else can find a husband and get married but I’m stuck out in the cold by myself? My friends say I should lower my standards but I say that’s not a good solution.
My answer:
First, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be married. In fact, it is the most natural choice we have (as compared to entire life of being single). So yes, God gave you this desire. It is completely within His known will for our existence as revealed in the Bible.
God honors our prayers and you can be sure that He hears your prayers for a husband with the assumption you are not engaged in, and ignoring, some obvious sin in your life. This can keep God from hearing and answering. There are actually several conditions for having our prayers heard. Many people have never considered the plain Bible teaching on this before. For more on that, go here.
Don’t pound your fists on the ground. You already know the answer to your own questions.
You know the desire for marriage is a wholesome desire. You know that God has not fulfilled that desire yet, so what does that tell you? We know that God is perfect, loves us and has our best intentions at heart? So if that prayer has not been answered, you know by default that it is not “time” yet for some reason.
The “reason” is the part you have to work out:
- Does something in your life need to change first?
- Is there something that still needs to be done or finished?
- Is there something going on in your life that God knows would frustrate or ruin a marriage?
- Is there some attitude, expectation, sin or motivation that needs to be worked out or corrected first?
On a practical level:
- Are you looking for a husband in the kinds of places or groups where a good and godly husband can be found?
- Do you have some UNREALISTIC standards or requirements for a man?
- Has God put someone in front of you that you are not seeing because some selfish focus has you looking past or through them?
Don’t give up any standards you have that are high GODLY standards. If your standards are superficial or worldly, then you need to pray and ask God to show you what to change or get rid of.
You should never give up asking God for something until you know full well he has answered and it is time to stop. Do you really think NOT ASKING is going to get your prayer answered?
Remember, God is in control and all things happen according to his will and in light of his love for us. So if marriage has not happened for you yet, then God has a reason. You know its not God’s time yet for the simple fact that it has not occurred. Discover that reason. You can. God promises wisdom if you ask for it. (James 1.5) Have you asked? Ask God: “Gracious God, you know my desire is to be married which I know is a pleasing thing to you. I’m not sure why you haven’t answered my prayer for a husband, but I know there is a reason. Please reveal that reason to me. Give me wisdom to understand it, and courage to face it. I’m ready to change anything that needs to be changed, including my patience….”
Speaking of asking, what are your questions for me concerning relationships, marriage or life?
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Dear Reader,
My story follows yours closely. I was single, wanting to be married. The difference is that I have been married at 20 and divorced at 23. When I was 24, I heard a testimony of the female side of the couple that lead our Single Adult SS class. She had been divorced for 6 years (with 3 kids) before she remaried. If she could be single for 6 years with kids, I could surely last for the same 6 years (I had no kids). I got REAL involved in the Single Adult class at church; they were a great source of fellowship, accountability, spiritual growth, etc. Well the six years came and went and I still didn’t have any prospeces for marriage. It was another many months before I met Linda. Now I am 61, have 4 boys (30, 29, 21, 19) and would have not changed anything. So, trust God. Consentrate on getting to know God and His Word. You will never too old for God to bless. NO, don’t lower your standards, but be sure they are also God’s standards.
There is the other side of this in Gods timing and is regarding “The Man” thats missing from this picture. It’s possible that he has not crawled out of the mud yet
and is still lost for this purpose. Being a man and being born a sinner and living my life for me for this first 35 years was, well interesting. At 35 the Lord came into my heart and God then started making faster progress in shaping my life. Not just for me but for my wife also. She finally had the man she hoped that I would finally someday become. That being said, the husband she is praying for might still be wallowing in the mud somewhere and God is still working to clean him up before He introduces them. The important thing is that they both believe in Jesus Christ for common ground. They can mature in Christ together. But make sure that the man believes that Jesus was the Son of God who died for all sinners before she accepts his ring. If he believes another way, share the Gospel and then walk on by.
Loved the balance in your response.
I was 27 when I met my hubby, and after years of longing just before meeting him, I had given up. Given up to God my desires for a person and nested all those desires in God. He blessed me shortly after, which was about a year later, with a wonderful Christian husband. Brent is correct in all he has said, and I will add “be what you are looking for” because the mate is looking for you too! blessings! Great response Brent! I am going to share it with some single sisters!
)
I’m almost 31. Never been married. I know exactly how you feel! I know the ache, the desperation, the sadness…but I wouldn’t trade it for a husband 5 years ago. The reason? I would’ve made a horrible mistake had I married any of the men that came into my life at that time. They weren’t born again, and they were not God’s best for me. I am now in a relationship with a Godly, born again believer which will hopefully result in marriage. My advice–carefully pray about the advice Brent has given you, and trust in the Lord. Don’t fall away because He hasn’t answered your prayer yet. (I did in the past and I will always regret the time I lost)
I am a 56 year-old woman. I am single. As a child, as a teen, as a young adult, as an older adult, in fact up until about eleve years ago, I was sure I would find a man who could be my life-long friend, lover, and “partner in crime.”
Then I realized that every relationship I’ve ever had, except for one in my pre-Christian days, ended in rejection of me. The one that didn’t end in rejection of me ended in rejection of my boyfriend because he wanted to live together and I did not.
I have fallen in love with men who decided they were gay, with men who were not Christian, with men who were Christian but who were obviously not interested in me, and with men who were Christian and interested in me but not enough to pursue a serious relationship. Over the years, I have heard people say that I scared men off because I was too intense, too smart, too tall, too loud . . . I have heard people say, “You never know what God has in store,” but at age 56 I know this much: I am beyond the ability to have my own children; I know that, though the Bible says it is better to marry than to burn, that is no guarantee of anything; God has no problem with letting people burn for years and years. Doesn’t mean he’s cruel; it just means that God has the right to do what he wants to do in people’s lives.
I have been through Christian counseling. I have dealt with “family of origin” issues including alcoholism and denial of my molestation at age seven by my best friend’s father. I have become aware of the effect on most if not all potential relationships of my selfishness and unrealistic expectations.
I have come to realize that, for quite a number of years, everything I thought God wanted me to do to prepare myself for a husband and a family was stuff that did the exact opposite, isolating me from other people, especially a potential spouse, and teaching me to despise every good gift that God has given me because they didn’t fit stereotypes of the cookie-baking, apron-wearing cute, tiny, feminine Christian wife-in-waiting that still haunts churches today and makes life hell for women who will never fit that mold but still have a lot to give.
It is clear to me that any potential husband I might have had in the past thirty-seven years of being a Christian . . . well, he’s either married now with grand-children, or he’s gay, or he’s a confirmed stalwart Christian bachelor.
And I, having realized that I have nothing to offer a man except the selfishness of years alone and the unresolved fears of my childhood, have STILL not been able to put to rest the desire for a husband.
So I say to you now, having passed through my dreamy twenties, my determined thirties, and my yearning forties . . . I can’t find a husband, should I just give up?
And if I should just give up, how, how, how do I do it without losing my faith?
Edith,
No, I would not give up. God gives us the desires of our heart as we walk in faith. I’m not sure what your faith has to do with though. Your faith is in the saving grace of Jesus Christ to rescue you from your sinful condemnation and an eternity in Hell. Our faith is not leveraged or dependent on any circumstance in this life. Millions of people have endured much worse than not finding a spouse. MUCH WORSE. So don’t hang your faith on this issue. In fact, it could be that mindset that keeps it from happening. Pray for a spouse. Ask God. Have faith. Accept His will. There are plenty of available older men. God knows who they are. Brent
I’ve been single my whole life
everyday never been on a date
watching others listening to engagement details in
college, I feel beyond left out
I can’t have kids and heard 1000 too many
maybe god… Well maybe not to everyone of those
maybes and no apostle Paul I disagree
with u and don’t care what you thought
1000 + years ago
god has no one for me
i was told god called me to be single
hmm a complete stranger said that
No he did not
I have never heard gods voice
that’s how I know
Also to the people who remarried
you do know the bibles stance on divorce
and remarriage
sure you met someone
and can give god credit
bur that doesn’t mean god took it
or provided that spouse !!!!
good article; especially the line of advice:
Does something in your life need to change first?
I have seen this not only with myself, but with many other people. For example, I know a nice looking Christian lady in our singles group who constantly complains about never being on a date or finding a man…yet she weighs around 300 lbs and continues to overeat and not exercise. Sometimes we just need to wake up and realize the problem is our self and ask for help if necessary.
Well, I want to be a wife and mother. I have lived a pure life, but have never had a boyfriend. Now my time is up. God has denied me the chance for motherhood. How could that be what’s best for me, or right for me. it’s a natural, womanly desire. And he deson’;t even give me the consolation of a husband
I went through your mail & I would like you to know that I am looking for a Godly woman like you for a true family oriented relationship that is based on Godliness,respect for one another,sincerity,faithfulness, &loving you for whom you are.
I am a born again christian since 1982 & has God first in my life daily in all my doings, so, pls, if you are interested in my request, I would be happy to read from you.
I am living & working in Senegal though am not from here.
Pls, do note that this message is nothing but a serious one & has nothing to do with game playing nor any evil minded reasons.
Thanks.
00221/76/882/00/55
It is natural to want to be married, to have someone to love and to love you back.
In the Bible you will find these words:
Love God with all your heart
Put God at the center of your heart
Walk in obidience.
It is natural to feel dissapointed and angry at God for not giving you a spouse, but life has trials, temptations, and hardships.
God tested abraham with his son, and found Abraham loyal. Abraham waited until he was very old to see Gods promises of having a descendants.
If you really believe in God then you know there is an afterlife in heaven. Do not put all your hopes in these earth because is vanity and will pass. Sometimes I believe God will hold what you desire the most because in that he will test your faith in him. whether it is a husband, wife, money, posessions, prestige, power.
Friend if you make “finding a spouse your first priority” then God is second. God does not take second place. Pray hard if you really hurt about not having what you desire most, so you ndo not get tempted by the devil and let the hurt take you out of the path to walk in God’s way.
I know is hard, but God test people in fire and then you come out like gold. Remember always these. God if perfect, is in control, and ultimately God is God and he blesses the ones that love him and are loyal to him. You should be loyal to him regardless of your pain. trust him. God wants you to trust him, that is faith. do not question God is he has not provide a husband or wife for you, you should trust him, I do not know why neither do you, but that is when faith in God plays a important key in his walk with him. When you hurt pray, cry to him,not for a husband but for faith and obidience. God will bless you, he has so many ways to bless people. Pray for peace and in your soul, pray for him to give you joy in your life. What I say is not easy, but to choose to be bitter and desperate for a husband or wife is probalby a way of time and energy, concentrate all your feelings to God, and keep praying. At the end what it matters is how we handle our emotions in reference to our christian life. God will rewrd you one day. Be like a warrior, fihgt agaisnt the sadness and feeling of hopeless. Be a prayer warrior it will bring you closer to God. Remember Cain he did not know how to handle his feeling of envy towards his brother and commited sin, instead of accepting Gods sovereigity.
God wants you to be content with what you have, as long you are not living a sinful life. There are advantages and disvantages of being married. Being married takes a lot of work and commitment because of human imperfection. married people has to deal with hardship and troubles and pain sometimes. Being single has advantages and disadvantages. Remember “the grass always look greener onthe other side” Many married people wish to be single again. Yes , sometimes it is nice to think that somene admires you, loves you and cares for you.
I think sometimes wishing to be married or to have a soulmate is a fantasy that we built and exist only in our mind that we are supposed to be fulfilled and happy everafter once we marry our soulmate. I believe that is a fantasy; married people strugle a lot and are not always happy. I believe you can be happy and be fulfilled being single, take all the good things of being single and enjoy it, learn to enjoy your life regardless of your status, pamper yourself, learn to love yourself.
Life is made out of choices, we choose to either be content or be unhappy.
I f you choose to feel disatisfy with your present situation then you loose, that will not bring you a husband and you waste away time that you can be enjoying. Ultimately it is normal sometimes to feel down, but do not let that feeling to become a permanent situation. If God has someone for you in the future or not, there is nothing you can do about it, but to be content with what you today, but for now be obidient to God, he knows the desires of your heart and it is in his will he will give you a husband, but please do not let that consume you. You should make God your first priority and how to please him. I believe God prefers to hear prayers than complaints. A prayer with a humble heart is more likely to be heard by God, than a proud heart that is telling God what is best for you. Do not make God laugh. You do not want a husband that is not in God’s will, it will make you misarable. Learn to trust God. God does not give you more than you can handle. i am sure God has many things in store for you, but if you are so fixated that the only way you can be happy is by being married then you may not see all the blessings around you. Open your eyes and count them one by one and praise God, Amen.
I how I can relate to this longing for a husband! When I was 26, I was still hoping it would happen before I turn 30. Well, I’m 38 now, and how do I wish it would still happen before I turn 40! Anyway, the Lord has taught me many valuable lessons during all these 15+ years of being His born-again child. There are many opportunities I wouldn’t have had if I had gotten married 10 years ago, and I’m thankful for the Lord’s leading. But I feel soooo ready to get married now! In fact, I just about getting to know a young man who seems to be very young in the faith; who had a conversion experience not too long ago, but who is not baptized yet. Shall I go for this opportunity? There is no way that I will lower my spiritual standards for marriage, i. e. a firm foundation with common strong beliefs, as well as the husband being the spiritual leader. Right now, I’m haning on to hope with each new contact I make, but of course I don’t want to get married out of desperation. However, what shall I do with my desires for a companion? How shall I quench my sexual longings without falling into the sin of masturbation again? It’s really tough sometimes, but I can only give everything to the Lord, and ask Him to fill the gap now – and to help me to strengthen my relationship with Him who is my Heavenly Husband!
All my life, all I’ve ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother. Now at 49 years old, I do feel that I may as well quit asking for that. Even if I did get a husband, at this point in my life, I don’t want “bear” a child or even the responsiblity (, day care expense, soccer, pta, after-school, etc) that comes with. But since I’m officially in menopause since June 10, that’s prety much a done deal. I keep telling myself that surely God did not put me on this earth to take my mom when I was 6 years old, my father when I was 9 years old, my brother out there on drugs, and just leave me out here alone?? But that’s just how I feel, i’m brought to tears when I see moms and their children, couples, I truly am heartbroken, and don’t understand why, it’s such a simple request and certainly one that is in keeping with Gods’ wishes/wills.
Correction:
If you know that being single is not something you can handle, then you have to take action to procure a mate.
I am wanting to get married too..i have seen many of my friends get married and have children. i am thirty now and wonder will i ever find someone that loves me just like i love them? people tell me i am beautiful and should have no trouble finding someone but i haven’t found anyone i truly love. sometimes i have felt that God wants me to remain single so i have felt bitter thinking my singleness will last forever…lies from the evil one rest assured! i know that from nights of being bitter upset and frustrated it is better to trust in God for my future than to not trust in God and i pray that God makes my husband into the man for me and likewise me for him! so i will go one trusting in God and try to be thankful for what he has given me..which are many blessings! i don’t even know when my last day on Earth will be so i will try to trust him day by day. I love you Jesus!!!
All these comments sound like my train of thought. I am only a senior in HighSchool (I know it’s too young for these things) but recently I have been thinking too much on what my future wife would be like. I like to think that she will be a virtuous women from Eastern Europe and will have really good looks like those blonde magazine models. Of course I would be ideal and great too. Then I focus only on my imaginary wife and God becomes second. One thing is that I would like to get married at 30 and raise up fine children but God probably laughs at my plans. It’s only a fantasy and I realise how ridiculous I sound now so I’ll just try to focus on The Lord first.
I have completely given up on God sending me a husband. I have prayed for 20 years for a husband. I cant go thru this another 20 years of my life. . I have been so depressed to the point I wanted God to take me home with him. I am to the point in my life that I really dont care about it anymore. I wont to have peace more than having a mate.
I was noticing the ” my answer” part , that is just an opinion and not reasons why the asker is still single. One doesn’t know why she’s still single ! I’m still single myself and don’t know why either but so amazed at how much people don’t know by what they claim they do
Brent instead of writing 8 unecessary paragraphs highlighted by ur opinions , not fact , and be honest , ” I don’t know ” is honest , ur opinions aren’t
Kathyrn,
How can an opinion not be honest unless I write an opinion I know I don’t truly believe? People write to me for my best answer or advice… when I can give a Biblical black and white answer I do. Otherwise I give my best opinion based on principle and experience.
Why does it seem so easy for others? My brother, who doesn’t even socialize very much, happens to go to a party one nite & meets his wife. This was only 3 months after his last relationship broke up. I have family members who have come out of divorces and meet someone in no time at all. I’m 43 & all I ever wanted was to be a wife & mother. I just knew these things were just around the corner when I was younger & so full of hope. Now I’m getting too old to have children. I don’t want to die without knowing the love of a companion. I have dated alot in my twenties and thirties and am told I’m very attractive but have experienced much rejection in my dating relationships. I would meet someone, get my hopes up, and things would be great for awhile only to be left for someone else. I’ve always felt that other women had some magic secret that I lacked. I pray to God everyday to pick someone for me. I have alot to offer but men just don’t see it. I’m tired of all of the worn-out cliches when I try to talk to people about this. I always felt invisible when it comes to men-kind of like they were looking through me, like I didn’t exist. Why didn’t I get picked? I cry about this every day now. I’m ashamed to admit this but I have developed an addiction to help deal with the pain & loneliness. The ache has just gotten to be too much. Where can I find someone when most men my age are married? Why won’t God answer my prayers. I’m tired of crying every day. I’m tired of trying. Why can’t anyone see my value and pick me? I’m sorry I’m rambling about this. I’m just being honest & pouring my heart out right now.
Even Sinners and unsave people find mates, good mates, and they are able to have good marriages. I don’t think its suppose to be that difficult and I think there is plenty of marriage material out there. It rains on the just and the unjust.