A reader asks:
I’ve been an occasional reader of your Serious Faith blog for a while and I feel like I always have questions, but I’ve been hesitant to ask because I’m not sure I’ll like the answer. I’m at the end of my rope on this one, however, and I’d appreciate any insight you have.
I’m 26 and single. I hate being single. I want the companionship and support that comes with being in a relationship. I want someone to love and spend time with and dote on. I feel that God must have given me this desire, as it is so strong and I’ve always felt this way. I’ve prayed every night for about a year for God to bring me a wonderful man. Now I feel like pounding my fists on the ground and asking “Why, God, why, do you give me this desire and not fulfill it?”
I just don’t know what to do. Do I give up? I feel like I should stop asking God because it will hurt less if I don’t ask for it and don’t get it, than if I ask for it and don’t get it. How come everyone else can find a husband and get married but I’m stuck out in the cold by myself? My friends say I should lower my standards but I say that’s not a good solution.
My answer:
First, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be married. In fact, it is the most natural choice we have (as compared to entire life of being single). So yes, God gave you this desire. It is completely within His known will for our existence as revealed in the Bible.
God honors our prayers and you can be sure that He hears your prayers for a husband with the assumption you are not engaged in, and ignoring, some obvious sin in your life. This can keep God from hearing and answering. There are actually several conditions for having our prayers heard. Many people have never considered the plain Bible teaching on this before. For more on that, go here.
Don’t pound your fists on the ground. You already know the answer to your own questions.
You know the desire for marriage is a wholesome desire. You know that God has not fulfilled that desire yet, so what does that tell you? We know that God is perfect, loves us and has our best intentions at heart? So if that prayer has not been answered, you know by default that it is not “time” yet for some reason.
The “reason” is the part you have to work out:
- Does something in your life need to change first?
- Is there something that still needs to be done or finished?
- Is there something going on in your life that God knows would frustrate or ruin a marriage?
- Is there some attitude, expectation, sin or motivation that needs to be worked out or corrected first?
On a practical level:
- Are you looking for a husband in the kinds of places or groups where a good and godly husband can be found?
- Do you have some UNREALISTIC standards or requirements for a man?
- Has God put someone in front of you that you are not seeing because some selfish focus has you looking past or through them?
Don’t give up any standards you have that are high GODLY standards. If your standards are superficial or worldly, then you need to pray and ask God to show you what to change or get rid of.
You should never give up asking God for something until you know full well he has answered and it is time to stop. Do you really think NOT ASKING is going to get your prayer answered?
Remember, God is in control and all things happen according to his will and in light of his love for us. So if marriage has not happened for you yet, then God has a reason. You know its not God’s time yet for the simple fact that it has not occurred. Discover that reason. You can. God promises wisdom if you ask for it. (James 1.5) Have you asked? Ask God: “Gracious God, you know my desire is to be married which I know is a pleasing thing to you. I’m not sure why you haven’t answered my prayer for a husband, but I know there is a reason. Please reveal that reason to me. Give me wisdom to understand it, and courage to face it. I’m ready to change anything that needs to be changed, including my patience….”
Speaking of asking, what are your questions for me concerning relationships, marriage or life?
PS: WHAT ARE YOUR QUESTIONS FOR ME? Ask here. Want to book me for preaching, speaking or business consulting? Go here. If you are blessed by what I write, would you be so kind to share this post with others by clicking the SHARE+ button below? You never know who might need these exact words in their life today. To give a gift of support, click here.
at 3:41 pm
Dear Reader,
My story follows yours closely. I was single, wanting to be married. The difference is that I have been married at 20 and divorced at 23. When I was 24, I heard a testimony of the female side of the couple that lead our Single Adult SS class. She had been divorced for 6 years (with 3 kids) before she remaried. If she could be single for 6 years with kids, I could surely last for the same 6 years (I had no kids). I got REAL involved in the Single Adult class at church; they were a great source of fellowship, accountability, spiritual growth, etc. Well the six years came and went and I still didn’t have any prospeces for marriage. It was another many months before I met Linda. Now I am 61, have 4 boys (30, 29, 21, 19) and would have not changed anything. So, trust God. Consentrate on getting to know God and His Word. You will never too old for God to bless. NO, don’t lower your standards, but be sure they are also God’s standards.
at 3:52 pm
There is the other side of this in Gods timing and is regarding “The Man” thats missing from this picture. It’s possible that he has not crawled out of the mud yet
and is still lost for this purpose. Being a man and being born a sinner and living my life for me for this first 35 years was, well interesting. At 35 the Lord came into my heart and God then started making faster progress in shaping my life. Not just for me but for my wife also. She finally had the man she hoped that I would finally someday become. That being said, the husband she is praying for might still be wallowing in the mud somewhere and God is still working to clean him up before He introduces them. The important thing is that they both believe in Jesus Christ for common ground. They can mature in Christ together. But make sure that the man believes that Jesus was the Son of God who died for all sinners before she accepts his ring. If he believes another way, share the Gospel and then walk on by.
at 6:02 pm
Loved the balance in your response.
at 6:59 pm
I was 27 when I met my hubby, and after years of longing just before meeting him, I had given up. Given up to God my desires for a person and nested all those desires in God. He blessed me shortly after, which was about a year later, with a wonderful Christian husband. Brent is correct in all he has said, and I will add “be what you are looking for” because the mate is looking for you too! blessings! Great response Brent! I am going to share it with some single sisters!
)
at 9:47 am
I’m almost 31. Never been married. I know exactly how you feel! I know the ache, the desperation, the sadness…but I wouldn’t trade it for a husband 5 years ago. The reason? I would’ve made a horrible mistake had I married any of the men that came into my life at that time. They weren’t born again, and they were not God’s best for me. I am now in a relationship with a Godly, born again believer which will hopefully result in marriage. My advice–carefully pray about the advice Brent has given you, and trust in the Lord. Don’t fall away because He hasn’t answered your prayer yet. (I did in the past and I will always regret the time I lost)
at 11:17 pm
I am a 56 year-old woman. I am single. As a child, as a teen, as a young adult, as an older adult, in fact up until about eleve years ago, I was sure I would find a man who could be my life-long friend, lover, and “partner in crime.”
Then I realized that every relationship I’ve ever had, except for one in my pre-Christian days, ended in rejection of me. The one that didn’t end in rejection of me ended in rejection of my boyfriend because he wanted to live together and I did not.
I have fallen in love with men who decided they were gay, with men who were not Christian, with men who were Christian but who were obviously not interested in me, and with men who were Christian and interested in me but not enough to pursue a serious relationship. Over the years, I have heard people say that I scared men off because I was too intense, too smart, too tall, too loud . . . I have heard people say, “You never know what God has in store,” but at age 56 I know this much: I am beyond the ability to have my own children; I know that, though the Bible says it is better to marry than to burn, that is no guarantee of anything; God has no problem with letting people burn for years and years. Doesn’t mean he’s cruel; it just means that God has the right to do what he wants to do in people’s lives.
I have been through Christian counseling. I have dealt with “family of origin” issues including alcoholism and denial of my molestation at age seven by my best friend’s father. I have become aware of the effect on most if not all potential relationships of my selfishness and unrealistic expectations.
I have come to realize that, for quite a number of years, everything I thought God wanted me to do to prepare myself for a husband and a family was stuff that did the exact opposite, isolating me from other people, especially a potential spouse, and teaching me to despise every good gift that God has given me because they didn’t fit stereotypes of the cookie-baking, apron-wearing cute, tiny, feminine Christian wife-in-waiting that still haunts churches today and makes life hell for women who will never fit that mold but still have a lot to give.
It is clear to me that any potential husband I might have had in the past thirty-seven years of being a Christian . . . well, he’s either married now with grand-children, or he’s gay, or he’s a confirmed stalwart Christian bachelor.
And I, having realized that I have nothing to offer a man except the selfishness of years alone and the unresolved fears of my childhood, have STILL not been able to put to rest the desire for a husband.
So I say to you now, having passed through my dreamy twenties, my determined thirties, and my yearning forties . . . I can’t find a husband, should I just give up?
And if I should just give up, how, how, how do I do it without losing my faith?
at 11:25 am
Edith,
No, I would not give up. God gives us the desires of our heart as we walk in faith. I’m not sure what your faith has to do with though. Your faith is in the saving grace of Jesus Christ to rescue you from your sinful condemnation and an eternity in Hell. Our faith is not leveraged or dependent on any circumstance in this life. Millions of people have endured much worse than not finding a spouse. MUCH WORSE. So don’t hang your faith on this issue. In fact, it could be that mindset that keeps it from happening. Pray for a spouse. Ask God. Have faith. Accept His will. There are plenty of available older men. God knows who they are. Brent
at 9:02 pm
I’ve been single my whole life
everyday never been on a date
watching others listening to engagement details in
college, I feel beyond left out
I can’t have kids and heard 1000 too many
maybe god… Well maybe not to everyone of those
maybes and no apostle Paul I disagree
with u and don’t care what you thought
1000 + years ago
god has no one for me
i was told god called me to be single
hmm a complete stranger said that
No he did not
I have never heard gods voice
that’s how I know
Also to the people who remarried
you do know the bibles stance on divorce
and remarriage
sure you met someone
and can give god credit
bur that doesn’t mean god took it
or provided that spouse !!!!
at 4:15 pm
good article; especially the line of advice:
Does something in your life need to change first?
I have seen this not only with myself, but with many other people. For example, I know a nice looking Christian lady in our singles group who constantly complains about never being on a date or finding a man…yet she weighs around 300 lbs and continues to overeat and not exercise. Sometimes we just need to wake up and realize the problem is our self and ask for help if necessary.
at 10:02 pm
Well, I want to be a wife and mother. I have lived a pure life, but have never had a boyfriend. Now my time is up. God has denied me the chance for motherhood. How could that be what’s best for me, or right for me. it’s a natural, womanly desire. And he deson’;t even give me the consolation of a husband
at 10:45 pm
It is natural to want to be married, to have someone to love and to love you back.
In the Bible you will find these words:
Love God with all your heart
Put God at the center of your heart
Walk in obidience.
It is natural to feel dissapointed and angry at God for not giving you a spouse, but life has trials, temptations, and hardships.
God tested abraham with his son, and found Abraham loyal. Abraham waited until he was very old to see Gods promises of having a descendants.
If you really believe in God then you know there is an afterlife in heaven. Do not put all your hopes in these earth because is vanity and will pass. Sometimes I believe God will hold what you desire the most because in that he will test your faith in him. whether it is a husband, wife, money, posessions, prestige, power.
Friend if you make “finding a spouse your first priority” then God is second. God does not take second place. Pray hard if you really hurt about not having what you desire most, so you ndo not get tempted by the devil and let the hurt take you out of the path to walk in God’s way.
I know is hard, but God test people in fire and then you come out like gold. Remember always these. God if perfect, is in control, and ultimately God is God and he blesses the ones that love him and are loyal to him. You should be loyal to him regardless of your pain. trust him. God wants you to trust him, that is faith. do not question God is he has not provide a husband or wife for you, you should trust him, I do not know why neither do you, but that is when faith in God plays a important key in his walk with him. When you hurt pray, cry to him,not for a husband but for faith and obidience. God will bless you, he has so many ways to bless people. Pray for peace and in your soul, pray for him to give you joy in your life. What I say is not easy, but to choose to be bitter and desperate for a husband or wife is probalby a way of time and energy, concentrate all your feelings to God, and keep praying. At the end what it matters is how we handle our emotions in reference to our christian life. God will rewrd you one day. Be like a warrior, fihgt agaisnt the sadness and feeling of hopeless. Be a prayer warrior it will bring you closer to God. Remember Cain he did not know how to handle his feeling of envy towards his brother and commited sin, instead of accepting Gods sovereigity.
at 11:32 pm
God wants you to be content with what you have, as long you are not living a sinful life. There are advantages and disvantages of being married. Being married takes a lot of work and commitment because of human imperfection. married people has to deal with hardship and troubles and pain sometimes. Being single has advantages and disadvantages. Remember “the grass always look greener onthe other side” Many married people wish to be single again. Yes , sometimes it is nice to think that somene admires you, loves you and cares for you.
I think sometimes wishing to be married or to have a soulmate is a fantasy that we built and exist only in our mind that we are supposed to be fulfilled and happy everafter once we marry our soulmate. I believe that is a fantasy; married people strugle a lot and are not always happy. I believe you can be happy and be fulfilled being single, take all the good things of being single and enjoy it, learn to enjoy your life regardless of your status, pamper yourself, learn to love yourself.
Life is made out of choices, we choose to either be content or be unhappy.
I f you choose to feel disatisfy with your present situation then you loose, that will not bring you a husband and you waste away time that you can be enjoying. Ultimately it is normal sometimes to feel down, but do not let that feeling to become a permanent situation. If God has someone for you in the future or not, there is nothing you can do about it, but to be content with what you today, but for now be obidient to God, he knows the desires of your heart and it is in his will he will give you a husband, but please do not let that consume you. You should make God your first priority and how to please him. I believe God prefers to hear prayers than complaints. A prayer with a humble heart is more likely to be heard by God, than a proud heart that is telling God what is best for you. Do not make God laugh. You do not want a husband that is not in God’s will, it will make you misarable. Learn to trust God. God does not give you more than you can handle. i am sure God has many things in store for you, but if you are so fixated that the only way you can be happy is by being married then you may not see all the blessings around you. Open your eyes and count them one by one and praise God, Amen.
at 7:37 am
I how I can relate to this longing for a husband! When I was 26, I was still hoping it would happen before I turn 30. Well, I’m 38 now, and how do I wish it would still happen before I turn 40! Anyway, the Lord has taught me many valuable lessons during all these 15+ years of being His born-again child. There are many opportunities I wouldn’t have had if I had gotten married 10 years ago, and I’m thankful for the Lord’s leading. But I feel soooo ready to get married now! In fact, I just about getting to know a young man who seems to be very young in the faith; who had a conversion experience not too long ago, but who is not baptized yet. Shall I go for this opportunity? There is no way that I will lower my spiritual standards for marriage, i. e. a firm foundation with common strong beliefs, as well as the husband being the spiritual leader. Right now, I’m haning on to hope with each new contact I make, but of course I don’t want to get married out of desperation. However, what shall I do with my desires for a companion? How shall I quench my sexual longings without falling into the sin of masturbation again? It’s really tough sometimes, but I can only give everything to the Lord, and ask Him to fill the gap now – and to help me to strengthen my relationship with Him who is my Heavenly Husband!
at 12:30 pm
I went through your mail & I would like you to know that I am looking for a Godly woman like you for a true family oriented relationship that is based on Godliness,respect for one another,sincerity,faithfulness, &loving you for whom you are.
I am a born again christian since 1982 & has God first in my life daily in all my doings, so, pls, if you are interested in my request, I would be happy to read from you.
I am living & working in Senegal though am not from here.
Pls, do note that this message is nothing but a serious one & has nothing to do with game playing nor any evil minded reasons.
Thanks.
00221/76/882/00/55
at 8:06 pm
All my life, all I’ve ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother. Now at 49 years old, I do feel that I may as well quit asking for that. Even if I did get a husband, at this point in my life, I don’t want “bear” a child or even the responsiblity (, day care expense, soccer, pta, after-school, etc) that comes with. But since I’m officially in menopause since June 10, that’s prety much a done deal. I keep telling myself that surely God did not put me on this earth to take my mom when I was 6 years old, my father when I was 9 years old, my brother out there on drugs, and just leave me out here alone?? But that’s just how I feel, i’m brought to tears when I see moms and their children, couples, I truly am heartbroken, and don’t understand why, it’s such a simple request and certainly one that is in keeping with Gods’ wishes/wills.
at 1:22 am
Correction:
If you know that being single is not something you can handle, then you have to take action to procure a mate.
at 7:00 am
I am wanting to get married too..i have seen many of my friends get married and have children. i am thirty now and wonder will i ever find someone that loves me just like i love them? people tell me i am beautiful and should have no trouble finding someone but i haven’t found anyone i truly love. sometimes i have felt that God wants me to remain single so i have felt bitter thinking my singleness will last forever…lies from the evil one rest assured! i know that from nights of being bitter upset and frustrated it is better to trust in God for my future than to not trust in God and i pray that God makes my husband into the man for me and likewise me for him! so i will go one trusting in God and try to be thankful for what he has given me..which are many blessings! i don’t even know when my last day on Earth will be so i will try to trust him day by day. I love you Jesus!!!
at 7:22 pm
All these comments sound like my train of thought. I am only a senior in HighSchool (I know it’s too young for these things) but recently I have been thinking too much on what my future wife would be like. I like to think that she will be a virtuous women from Eastern Europe and will have really good looks like those blonde magazine models. Of course I would be ideal and great too. Then I focus only on my imaginary wife and God becomes second. One thing is that I would like to get married at 30 and raise up fine children but God probably laughs at my plans. It’s only a fantasy and I realise how ridiculous I sound now so I’ll just try to focus on The Lord first.
at 8:12 pm
I have completely given up on God sending me a husband. I have prayed for 20 years for a husband. I cant go thru this another 20 years of my life. . I have been so depressed to the point I wanted God to take me home with him. I am to the point in my life that I really dont care about it anymore. I wont to have peace more than having a mate.
at 11:24 am
I was noticing the ” my answer” part , that is just an opinion and not reasons why the asker is still single. One doesn’t know why she’s still single ! I’m still single myself and don’t know why either but so amazed at how much people don’t know by what they claim they do
Brent instead of writing 8 unecessary paragraphs highlighted by ur opinions , not fact , and be honest , ” I don’t know ” is honest , ur opinions aren’t
at 9:28 pm
Kathyrn,
How can an opinion not be honest unless I write an opinion I know I don’t truly believe? People write to me for my best answer or advice… when I can give a Biblical black and white answer I do. Otherwise I give my best opinion based on principle and experience.
at 11:17 pm
Why does it seem so easy for others? My brother, who doesn’t even socialize very much, happens to go to a party one nite & meets his wife. This was only 3 months after his last relationship broke up. I have family members who have come out of divorces and meet someone in no time at all. I’m 43 & all I ever wanted was to be a wife & mother. I just knew these things were just around the corner when I was younger & so full of hope. Now I’m getting too old to have children. I don’t want to die without knowing the love of a companion. I have dated alot in my twenties and thirties and am told I’m very attractive but have experienced much rejection in my dating relationships. I would meet someone, get my hopes up, and things would be great for awhile only to be left for someone else. I’ve always felt that other women had some magic secret that I lacked. I pray to God everyday to pick someone for me. I have alot to offer but men just don’t see it. I’m tired of all of the worn-out cliches when I try to talk to people about this. I always felt invisible when it comes to men-kind of like they were looking through me, like I didn’t exist. Why didn’t I get picked? I cry about this every day now. I’m ashamed to admit this but I have developed an addiction to help deal with the pain & loneliness. The ache has just gotten to be too much. Where can I find someone when most men my age are married? Why won’t God answer my prayers. I’m tired of crying every day. I’m tired of trying. Why can’t anyone see my value and pick me? I’m sorry I’m rambling about this. I’m just being honest & pouring my heart out right now.
at 10:58 am
Even Sinners and unsave people find mates, good mates, and they are able to have good marriages. I don’t think its suppose to be that difficult and I think there is plenty of marriage material out there. It rains on the just and the unjust.
at 5:19 pm
I went absoultey insane with desperation. I have been single since 2003 and it left me so desperate, so hurt, so bitter and so angry. I couldn’t take it anymore, so after more than eight years of being celebate i slept with someone and I didn’t regret it at all. I knew this guy didn’t love me or care about me, but I did it because he was the only guy I knew who actually purused me even if he wanted one thing and one thing only. Besides, I was used to not being liked or a guy being interested in me, if a guy wanted my number I was so suspicious as to why. And this guy thought I was attractive, It made my ego inflate and my confidence boom! But I slowly came back to God, I am scared of allowing God to work in me, because there is no guarentees, there are no guarentees that in a years time you will be with a partner or without one. There is no yes or no, even people with the prophetic gift who might tell you otherwise. I actually think personally, people marry out of desperation every where in the world and they make it work as best they can. I think its better to be married than to let it burn inside of you. If a nice christian man is into you, don’t reject him, give it a go. You never know what you may find, and what girl doesn’t want to be loved?
at 7:59 am
hello, am 35 and single and yearning to be a wife and a mother. I have that longing of wanting to be loved. I have seen many of my friends get married. Just a few minutes ago a colleague requested I address the wedding invites to various people for her sister’s wedding and after finishing, I came back to my desk and shed a few tears.
I have prayed for a husband for the last 10yrs with no success.
I met a fine gentleman 4 years ago. He is still single but he seems not in a hurry to commit…may be not to me, but am praying to God about it if he can openly share with me his feelings since he is now not communicating with me. Am left out in the dark without an answer. Its been very frustrating. Who can pray with us to God?. He is 51yrs old.
A am praying to
at 6:56 am
i am just a normal gal but some points above resonate with my relationships ie all the guys around my age have married others and this means that i am the one being left behind because of some reasons i am working hard to change myself now at least there is still time but i am in my thirties and i have to work hard to change my expectations if god will bless me with a partner very soon – pray for me that i will find my husband soon and get married thanks
at 3:31 pm
i post earlier but somehow my phone wouldnt behave lol but my point is let no doubt enter in God is able move forwards God first everything else is secondary
at 3:27 am
I’m a 32 year old Christian guy and found my dream girl. I never had a girlfriend and never slept with anyone; I was just praying and waiting for the right girl and finally found her. We’re getting married soon! Thank you Lord!
at 6:18 am
Wow I commented 3 years ago
– Nothing has changed except my age
I’m 37 !! What I need to know Is why God has brought me nobody I’m sorry but I do feel betrayed a bit when I hear how God has blessed yet another person with a spouse !!! My mom actually prayed for my future spouse when I was a young child wonder if she too has given up
I see too many here who God has let down . If God is no respector of persons then why do those of us who are older and have no spouse and have asked for one – why have we not been provided with one – I feel left out ! It cant be Gods will for me to be left out !!!
at 10:59 am
As I read the comments, I realized that God knows what’s best for us even when we think we do. I’m 34 yrs old and I felt God had abandoned my feelings and ignored me. I had been in an abusive relationship, been rejected many times, and I’m raising a child on my own. I never been married and as I write this, I’m not even close to “getting a ring”. I’ve pray daily for God to remove the desire so that I wouldn’t get disappointed (if He didn’t give it to me). But as I am writing this, Brent is absolutely correct. I would rather be complete and for my spouse to be complete before I meet and marry. I know that Jesus loves me and will only give me His best. Since God is my Father and He has ALL power, why would or should I doubt? Yes, I pray and will continue to ask God to make me better and fix me before joining me with my husband.
I’m excited to know that God is taking His time with “perfecting” me and my future husband before we make a mistake and end up in court! Thank God during your singleness because He is saving His best for last!
at 7:47 pm
I read the article and most of the comments. For some God has answered their prayers, for some we are all still praying. I am 28, a virgin and still waiting on God. I have prayed, fasted, name it I have done according to what the Bible says.
Will God answer my prayer? I have no idea, because as Christians say God doesn’t love me more than anyone else (that means the Prostitute who sleeps around) is not different from me in God’s eyes.
I have lost hope, gained it back and been through all the emotions especially when I see people who have done all sorts of things end up with spouses.
Anyway, God knows best. I pray my relationship status changes this year(at least to in a relationship), and changes to marriage shortly after. I pray this for my biological sister too. God you hear, God you see. ACT LORD ACT NOW!!!!
at 6:53 am
I too have wanted a husband, am 46 and going to give up, I truly don’t believe you should have to do a bunch of things for God to bless you with a husband, I walk around looking at all my friends who have families and they all tell me I am so pretty why don’t I have someone. The answer is because God doesn’t want to do that for me now or maybe ever, so I myself will rip the desire out of my heart. I am tired of wanting what I cant have and have sinned because God wouldn’t do that for me. I love God, and he has done a lot for me, he just hasn’t done what breaks my heart everyday for me. As for the women saying clean up a sin you don’t know about, I think that is bogus, we all sin everyday, that is why Jesus died for us…we didn’t deserve or do anything right to get God to love us and us be saved.So I don’t know, I am just tired I guess.
at 1:40 pm
I am 28 and in the same situation- still waiting. It is easy for people who have a partner or children to tell us that being single is not that miserable. But what is life without someone to share it with? I’m also afraid that as I get older I get more set in my ways, and it will get harder to find someone compatible. I still have hope, though. It makes me sad to see so many of us in this situation. Prayers all around!
at 3:28 pm
I’m 45 years old and I’m so tired of being single. Also, my job situation recently changed, so I’m working with one other person who is out of the office a lot. So I’m alone at home and I’m alone at work. Also, I’m an only child. I just cannot figure out why God is wanting me to be so alone right now. I’m trying to work on myself and figure it out, but it’s so difficult. If I’m supposed to be single, I’ll accept it, but I really wish He would take the desire to be a wife away from me.
at 6:31 pm
What we need to realize is that we aren’t living this life for us. We are living it for a Just God and we must agree that we all have purpose. Let us not moarn over what God hasn’t blessed us with and rejoice over all that He has given. Idolatry is a terrible sin and most of us have worshiped the idea of marriage since we first acknowledged it. God wants to be first in our lives and we owe that to Him. I would never encourage anyone to give up on God but I do encourage us all to examine ourselves a bit closer. Is God truly to blame for our singleness?
at 8:53 pm
May I have permission to contrast this? I was married nearly 25 yrs and divorced twice. Let me just say in defense of being single, once I found completeness in God and myself, my career and life in general, I could relax and not worry about it. Life takes care of itself and God will do the same for you! If you are not a complete person, if you are in need of someone to make you whole and take away your problems, getting married will not solve that. Getting married is not a way to build self worth. It takes great intestinal fortitude to be married and to live with another person day in and day out. It takes TWO WHOLE ADULTS to make a relationship a success. It takes TWO COMPLETE INDIVIDUALS with something to bring to the table and contribute to make being in a relationship operate at optimum. Being single is not so bad actually when you have had two failed marriages. But the best part is, I learned I don’t have to be married. I don’t have to HAVE a relationship. God has seen to it to heal me and make me whole. I have a full plate in life and am active and busy and yes, I am dating someone but I also learned that the health of a relationship is more important than a contract issued by the state that says, “Legally married in the state of…” If a relationship is not healthy, if the two people involved are not healthy, it will not survive. Period! Make sure you make your own money, can stand on your own two feet and support yourself before you marry. Before you bring another person in, make sure you know who you are and why you want to be with them. Using another to fill a lonely void will head into failure for absolute certainty! Learn to be happy and fulfilled as a single person first, then you know you are ready to share your life with another person. One last thing, make sure you know the person and they know you super well before you dive in. The pain and agony and long term costs of court battles and being enemies can far outweigh that little bit of time it would have took had you taken the time to really find out if that is the person you want to spend your life with. Marriage is a commitment, but it is also about compatibility and character. Most people spend more time looking at a house or car to buy than they do the person they will commit themselves to. Buyer beware! Take your time, and enjoy the flight. Good luck! From someone who will remain single forever now!
at 4:33 am
i am very lonely so want a companion who us a good christian just to chat and make friendship with good understanding with the blessing of God
at 3:27 am
I have been single since I was 21, and I am now 30. I have done everything I can to find a girlfriend/wife short of turning to a secular relationship. I have prayed almost every night since I was about 18 for a wife. God himself promised a suitable helper in Gen 2:18. I understand full well that a wife won’t make life perfect, and I know she won’t be perfect as I am not. I do believe that she would come second only to God. What I am looking for in a relationship.
Someone who will listen and have an intelligent conversation. Someone who believes God comes first, then her husband, then family and so on.
Someone who believes the way to the most fulfilling and longest lasting relationship is to always try to make the other person happy as this is also what I do, or as the word says:
Ephesians 5:22-33
New International Version (NIV)
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Why is it so difficult to find someone? At this point I almost feel like anyone would do. I have been holding on for so long that I feel like I am dangling by a string. I’ve tried actively hunting, and passively waiting. I feel as though I am cursed to walk alone, and forsaken from relationships. Even when I was a teen I just wanted a long term relationship that would become marriage. The tears I have shed over the years about this could no doubt fill one of those little kids plastic pools. I have prayed with many pastors and elders about this, I have done everything I can to meet her. At this point the only people to even flirt with me are gay guys, and I am straight. I wish I could say that this doesn’t affect anything else in my life, but the longer you live with out any physical contact, ie hugging, cuddling, etc… has been proven to be detrimental to your health physically, emotionally, and mentally. I don’t know what I am hoping to gain from this, but for some reason my soul desperately needed an outlet since reading this. I pray that you all would have God’s blessing over your love lives, and that he would wipe away all our tears while embracing us as he does.
at 2:55 am
Wake up people! Don’t you notice that all the “advisors” who teach you to be patient, to hope, to wait, are actually themselves already being married and “live happily ever after”? So, don’t expect any REAL help from these people: it always going to be just promisses of non-existing miracle… The truth is: if God wants you to be in a good, long term relationship – it will happen… Or, if He wants you to learn a lesson (you will need to figure out why) – then you might end up being lonely all your life, or even worse – being trapped in an ugly relationship… I had it all, and enjoying my peacful time being a single…parent. Is it what God meant for me: smart, beautiful, muscially and who know what else talented young woman? Who know? Maybe yes, for the time being, maybe forever… And I am FINe with it. One thing I know: I am not loosing my pride and not lowering my standards. In fact, I am more picky right now that I was even 15 years ago, but I am not putting up with any kind of abuse ever. I know that no one (except God) is perfect, but i also know that there is ONE perfect MAN for me on this sinful planet. And if I don’t meet him at this time, or well, I will try to still smile, and pray for a better “scenario” for my kids. At the end, yet, want to live an uplifting (hopefully, LOL) life example I’ve heard from someone: “There was a Lady who was busy with all kind of staff in her life (mother’s illness) etc.and didn’t notice how she stpped over that barrier when it was “too late” to begin a relationshihp. Soon enough (when she turned like 80) she ended up in a nursing home and…found her 85 years old soulmate with whom she had lots of fun laughing, holding hands and watching TV… ” I bet those few happiest years of a mutually fulfilled relationship was better than for some poeple who trapped in 30 ish years of ugly marrige… Anyhow, It IS NOT POSSIBLE TO KNOW AHEAD GOD’s PROVISION, so just BE HAPPY, Be HOPEFULL, and GET YOUR REAR END OUTDOORS, for goodness sake!
at 6:28 pm
2-3 years ago I did not want to get married. Never! Never! Never! I would not have bulged even with a ghun held to my head. I had serious fear of commitment. But I have always always been very happy.
Anyway, I would date guys and the moment they got closer I upped and left. The last guy I dated I had met when I was 32 and was with him unti I was 36. I catred for him and loved him deeply. I did not bolt vfrom this one because he was separated from his wife and I knew he would not been able to marry me unless divorced, as such he was safe.
Anyway, the reason for our separation was he cheated on me and so I left him.
After the break up, I spent the time making ammends, praying, asking for forgiveness (because the truth is as long as the guy was not divorced from church, I had sinned as I was with somebody else’s husband) and asking God to heal me.
Everyday I saw how His healing hands was working on me. Everyday I heard his voice and I listened to His directions. I was never lonely. Never! Anyway, I learnt to let go and let God and I finally got over my fears.
I had a lot of love to share, and this I discussed with our heavenly Father. I asked humbly, I prayed, I fasted, I praised, I listened, I believed, I waited patiently while joyfully smiling as I always did and he came.
I met him a month before my 39th birthday and our first date was on St. Valentine’s day.
I am 40 now and happily and blessedly married to a beautiful, beautiful Christian man.
Thank you, Lord Jesus!
With this, ladies, humbly ask and believe. Do not dwell on what you do not have but instead be thankful for absolutely every blessing.
All the best and blessings!
at 7:30 pm
I really feel for these messages I’ve read…I’ve been through it all…non christian and always having a boyfriend, married then divorced and came to Christ, and now I’ve been single the last 9 years.
Id be lying if I said it hasn’t been excruciating. Many sleepless nights, many tears, much questioning if God loved me or even cared.
I’ve fallen into sexual sin, have repented, have fallen again, been rejected when I did right and made fun of when I was living for Him. It sucks.
It sucks to be doing great and meeta greatchristian guy only to get passed over for another. This has happened more than I can count on onehand. And yet, perhaps stupidlyin the midst of my tears, i keep hoping to marry again one day.
Iamthe bride of Christ but I dont believe for a second hewants me to livealone. We as Christians arenotmeant to be isolated.
I’m done listeningtopeoplewhoare married telling me to be patient. Theyhave someone, andmanyof them I recall whining to me allthe time when theywere single. It’s very condescending and hypocritical.
Anyways justwanted to say yallare not alone, the only things that getmethruare eating healthy, exercising, doing things i enjoy, and spending time with friends and loved ones in or out of thechurch. It doesn’t take away all the pain, but it helps to get methru and stayfocused. Hope that helps.
at 9:08 am
Kathryn, I feel for you but don’t blame God… just P.U.S.H. (Pray Until Something Happens)… I too am in desperate need not want but NEED… the thing is I blame God too often for this and that… I forget to praise Him… Now whether or not I’ll get into a relationship is up to Him… He decides that I be miserable all throughout my living years then so be it… But I won’t blame Him whatever happens just continue to hang onto Him… He is our Creator after all and whatever He wants He wants but I believe that He wants the best for us so maybe it’s best for us to stay single… I’m not entirely sure myself I keep convincing myself that God has plans that He wants me to be happy but I am yet to see that… I don’t know anymore but all I could say is that I will do my best to trust Him…
at 12:03 am
I read all the comments and I am in tears. I too am single and will be 28 in a few months. I’ve prayed since I was 14 for a husband but as of now still nothing…still single & I’ve lost hope.
It hurts to go to church and be the only single person there (small church) and the only person without kids. Going home alone is the most painful part. What bothers me the most is that people who don’t even serve in the church like I do get what they want. It’s like the Pastors and Elders pray for everyone else and they get their prayers answered. The pastor told me it’s because of their faith. You are right I have no faith right now. I’m down in the dumps and very depressed. I walk around church sad and everyone walks right past me without asking is everything okay. If they do ask, I say no and they still go on talking about themselves or go about their business. It is so bad because it like God is not hearing me and the elders, ministers, pastors aren’t seeing or hearing me. Why doesn’t anyone care about my pain? I’m so tired that I just want to give up. I do feel the same way where I just want to go home and be with the Lord. It’s too much right now. It’s very lonely and when you keep getting disappointment after disappointment it hurts and becomes unbearable.
I watched so many in my church find mates and as soon as they got married they left the church and left God. I always say to God I wouldn’t leave but you gave it to the ones that left you. Right now I am so tired of serving God, so tired of coming to church and cleaning up, doing praise and worship, and being faithful and still in the same predicament.
All I want right now is for God to send a angel to minister to my heart and soul so I can make it another day. Oh well, I guess. Thanks for letting me rant.
at 9:19 am
It hurts me reading most of these post and in return I shall pray for all the singles whom have posted here.
I’m 31 and never had a girlfriend nor will I ever play around with sexual immorality, I am highly sociable, so meeting people isn’t an issue. When someone gets too close I tend to freak out and I retract for a little while. When I recover, most girls just either play hard to get, disconnect or enter a friend zone. In the cases where I don’t retract I feel like the person isn’t compatible, or I fail at the dating game.
Anyway I’m going full in this year for God unlike any other year (that is being lukewarm) and it seems like God is changing my personality for the better. I think reading those dating sites was a problem to my personilty. I’m desperately seeking God’s voice because I felt not communing with Him has hindrance me. I needed solid direction and hopefully I can earn a favour by doing as He commands.
God Bless & much love x
at 11:16 pm
WanttoGiveUp, I can totally relate to everything you have written. I will be 32 in April and accepted Christ at age 8. When I was 12, I remember my mom telling me to start praying for my spouse. I didn’t take what she told me lightly and on that very day I prayed for my mate (and several times afterwards just to make sure God heard my prayer, lol). I have endured loneliness, heartache, and pain. I still am not married or have children. I do get frustrated at times and actually had to close out my Facebook account because it hurt so much to see my friends post pictures up of engagement rings, their kids, or vacation/holiday pictures of them and their families. No doubt, it hurts, but you cannot give up!!! I’ve become so discouraged and started thinking about this issue way too much. I realized that I let this issue become a “god” in my life. I don’t know the answers…if I did, I wouldn’t be in this situation either, but I do know you have to keep moving forward living for God, start working out, join a class of some sort, start a project, etc. One thing I have done is posted a list of people on my fridge that I pray for daily to take the focus off of me and my problems. We can’t live in self pity! I still want a husband and kids, but constantly thinking about this only hurts more. Just try to be more active in other good, safe, clean things and stay encouraged.
at 12:56 pm
am deeply touched to read all these messages. i’m indian and in our culture, saved or unsaved, its very very rare men or women remain unmarried for a lifetime. Because we have in our society a built in process of “bringing in suitable marriage proposals” and everyone from parents relatives even family friends get involved in helping you to be suitably matched. Well finally its upto you to check each out proposal thoroughly because there are frauds everywhere, demands for money from the bride’s family etc. but for the most part both men & women end up being married by mid 30s at the very latest. In the large megacities these days, you may find singles, though few in number, who never married. In the rural semi urban parts of our country, its practically unthinkable.
I guess there are good things in all cultures too. I’m 50 and have remained single by choice and some of us in a similar situation are actually an oddity in our society.
I do believe God was always always calling me to marry but I was very stubborn and didn’t want to walk with Him in that area for reasons i can’t really explain here. Praise God however, He has very faithfully & graciously still taken good care of me, i live with my elder sibling, a brother, who just like myself has been single, so we share our family home and that has kept me from feeling intensely lonely. Praise God.
Most women here, even if single do remain at home with at least one family member so that’s been a blessing in my case.
Best if you seek Him prayerfully for sure what His perfect Will is in this area, esp when it has been delayed for more than half of your lifetime (i mean post mid 40s).
May God bless each one of you with the right loving partner at the right time, In His Own Way. that’s my heartfelt prayer for all of you brothers and sisters.
amen, peace in Christ
at 12:38 am
Wow! Reading these comments was kinda depressing. I should’ve turned back well before the end of this page.
I’m 26 still holding out.
I was given an opportunity to marry at 21, but I didn’t have passion for this godly man.
I refuse to marry outside of passionate love.
The one thing that’s really been my consolation lately, is that this life is just a passing vapor.
It’s like the flower of the field that comes up and just shortly after withers and dies.
I can’t understand God’s reasons for anything in my life. But I will never stop trusting God, trusting the one who made me.
So when I get lonely, I force myself to turn to God. And I tell Him to satisfy me. When we are desperate is when we really have the opportunity to press into His presence and press into His personality. But most of us are too fickle.
I’m fickle.
I’ve prayed that God reveal all the traits that I love in men, to reveal it in Himself. His humor, His wit, His romantic side. While I really don’t feel he’s answered this prayer. I believe that if I dug in with my WHOLE heart that He would.
And I know you older women, will see my age and discount my ability to empathize. Well I’m sorry for where you’re at in your life. But just remember, to stop, trusting in the Lord is a lack of faith. And without faith it is impossible to please God.
Monica
at 2:52 pm
i am a straight man myself trying to find love again, but i seem to meet all the wrong women. i hope that God can give me the power to find true love again, especially after a divorce. my wife was the one that cheated and i was a very caring and loving husband, and very committed to her too. i hate going out, because many women now have certainly changed over the years and not for the good. i certainly wish that God would create more women like June Cleaver and Donna Reed were back then, and the good old fashion down to earth stay at home mom is no longer with us.
at 5:41 pm
I am 32 and still unmarried.
I totally relate to all the older women who are still unmarried, but this one thing I say to you:
Rejoice! And again I say Rejoice!
Don’t you know:
Luke 23:29
For the days are coming when they will say, ‘Fortunate indeed are the women who are childless, the wombs that have not borne a child and the breasts that have never nursed.’
And also:
we talk about waiting for something, and that waiting and anticipation makes the moment more memorable…..
WOW!!!! When the LORD comes back and we are at the marriage supper of the LAMB There will be absolutely NOTHIING earthy and superficial to compare it to in our (unmarried) case!!!
These thoughts comfort me on my bed at night, when teardrops stain my pillow from sorrow over still not being “one flesh” with a man.
But Jesus is our husband and Him do we seek to please. For a married person is concerned with earthly things; how they can please their mate.
We have no such burdens, though we wish we had and though it would be nice. Then again, if you have no husband nor children, when the trials really start coming, you wont have to worry about seeing them get their heads chopped off or the limbs torn from their bodies. Behold the days come quickly.
I tell you dear ones, make the most of your situation, the day will come when you will be the lucky ones, the stronger ones for all the time spent with the SUITOR who matters.
All blessings and peace with love in Christ,
Kim
at 8:30 am
amen well said!blessings
at 12:45 am
@Kim: That’s well and good, but rather cold comfort. I’ve been asking for a husband for over 10 years now, but God’s apparent indifference to my suffering is making it VERY hard to keep faith with him. And that’s just the cold, hard truth.
at 5:43 am
@Linda : Still do keep trusting Him, dear sister, He has a great plan for your life no matter what it feels like today. And if being married is part of that wonderful plan surely at the right time He will lead & guide you to make the right choice. Sometimes His answers may be delayed, but still He does answer our prayers at all times.
peace in Christ always
at 10:10 pm
What hurts me the most is that I’m asexual
Why exactly ? That serves no purpose it actually takes it away . I don’t know why I was born the way I was but it affects me . I’m With Linda . God sure ignores My suffering as well . I have never dated and it really Angers me to hear how God has blessed yet another person with an amazing spouse um hello ! Why them ? Really why them ? Does God not care ? He created marriage but has left some of us out
It’s not ok at all ! I never experienced dating in high school or college . I can’t get that back . I’m hating the idea that some foolish religious Person told me that regardless of this God still expects to be served ?
at 10:17 pm
I too agree its hard to keep faith or confidence in God
the provision for others has gotten unbearable
Why them not me
Religious people have some of the worst opinions on this
So many take it upon themselves to somehow speak from Gods
Point of view yet they aren’t God obviously
Why bother now ? Actually if it happened now I’d be so resentful
As to why now not 10 years ago ?
I have given up
God has let me down in this area