I recently observed a woman spend half an hour forcing her daughter to take a “time out” for misbehaving. The daughter would not cooperate. She got up, tore up things, kicked over her chair, tried to resume playing, threw fits and tried to hit the Mom (not violent hitting, just typical little kid “I don’t like you” kind of hand slapping).
The mother just kept putting her back on the chair over and over, refusing to give up. She put her back on the chair 20-30 times. I’ll give her a tidbit of credit for that… it puts her well ahead of a lot of parents who simply would have given in or deceived themselves into thinking a punishment had occurred by the act of trying to make them sit. “That’ll teach you! Throw another fit and I’ll attempt to make you sit here again!”
However, all the Mom really did was out last the child. The little girl learned nothing intrinsic to her character development, and her level of personal discipline and obedience was not increased at all. She finally complied out of compromise, knowing that she could not continue on with what she wanted until she “gave in” to her five minute time out.
This may work temporarily with younger children but will fail miserably down the road with adolescents and teens who are more sophisticated and physically capable. While this type of technique is better than NOTHING and better than giving in to a child completely, it’s only slightly better and in the long run may be more destructive because it allows the parent some artificial satisfaction but avoids teaching the child anything substantive about obedience or discipline.
(Note: when I teach about parenting, I speak in broad, TYPICAL, generalities unless otherwise stated. I always get blasted by those who believe they are the EXCEPTION to what I’m saying. I’m just stating an opinion from my experience and observation of 45 years and 7 kids. If you are the exception or disagree with me, that’s cool. You don’t answer to me for your parenting… just take it for what it’s worth).
Parenting That Isn’t Parenting
Here’s my point: in the decades-long ongoing effort to demonize and avoid the “s-word” at all cost, the new fad for “effective parenting” is REDIRECTION and DISTRACTION. Both of those techniques have their place in parenting when used properly in conjunction with other discipline including spanking (gasp! did he really say ‘spanking’?????) but when relied upon solely are most often an exercise in futility.
For example, imagine your kids are bickering, demanding, fit-throwing brats at the supermarket (a sad reality for many parents) UNTIL you make up some game where they get to pick out the food and put it in the basket. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Well behaved kids at last!
Nope, mission unaccomplished… all you are doing is distracting them. You aren’t instilling obedience, respect and self control. The distraction only works until the kids get bored of it and it’s not fun anymore. Then you have to think up another even more distracting distraction. The bar is continually raised when we parent by distraction.
Distraction (when used as primary technique) caters to their self-centeredness. It’s round and round and round and round searching for the next distraction that will 1) keep your kids from acting like heathens (and embarrassing you) and 2) let’s you avoid the real work, the hard work, of actually molding their character and instilling self control.
Redirection falls into the same category… it can be useful at times but when used a primary parenting objective avoids actually addressing/correcting the problem and cultivating genuine maturity. Little Johnny throws a fit so we find him an activity he enjoys. We feel like such good parents because Little Johnny is no longer screeching and wailing. Look at how well behaved Little Monster, er, Little Johnny is when he is getting his way! Why, even we adults are well behaved when we get our way! In reality, we have fed into Little Johnny’s selfish worldview where he always needs to feel good and his way (even if we have manipulated him into believing he is getting his way).
Or, Darling Susie is being selfish to the other children and we step in and find something else she wants even more so that Darling Susie will now “share” what she has. Wrong answer… Darling Susie’s selfishness and narcissism has simply been reinforced but at least we don’t look like bad parents by escorting little Darling Susie to the woodshed and applying a meaningful consequence (that’s code for “spanking” but I have to be really careful to avoid actually saying it).
Parenting That Helps Parents But Not Kids
Folks, parenting that does not address the root causes of selfishness, disobedience, defiance, rebelliousness and sin is parenting that only helps THE PARENTS, not the child. Redirecting the temper tantrum or distracting the selfishness may make life better for YOU, Mom and Dad, but it is doing nothing towards cultivating character, selflessness, obedience and self-control in your children.
Disclaimer: Every time I mention spanking I have to toss in all the fine print and caveats or the whole response will come from defensive readers who claim to be the exception. Am I saying that spanking is the magic key to all parenting? No, but it is pretty magical when done properly, consistently, patiently and lovingly. As a general rule, the younger the child (starting when they are old enough to defy you and blatantly disobey), the more effective spanking is when appropriately administered. The only reason spanking became a topic of this post is because it is the obvious alternative to this modern parenting fad of “redirecting” and “distraction”.
What About Those Other Parenting Techniques?
Timeouts are good when used the right way for the right reasons. Example: “Johnny, if I see you not sharing again with your sister, you’re going to get a 20 minute time out.” Consequence declared… an appropriate punishment. If 20 minutes doesn’t do it maybe 30 minutes or an hour will. The point is that the consequence is KNOWN to the child. Now, if Little Johnny doesn’t want to do his time, throws a fit on the way to time-out or gives you a good mouthing off because of it, then timeout alone is no longer appropriate.
Redirection is good when used appropriately and not avoiding addressing the real issues of the heart. Example, at the end of a long day of traveling: “Johnny, I know you are tired because we’ve been in the car all day but you are still not allowed to be mean and grouchy to the rest of us. C’mon, I’ll read you a story for bedtime but if you say something mean again, you’re going to get a spanking.” This is a compassionate response that takes into account a child’s age appropriate emotions after a hard day while also addressing the need to incrementally instill self control and maturity as they grow.
Distraction is useful as long as character failures are not ignored. Example, when Johnny has been sick with a cold and you know you have to go sit in the Doctor’s office: “Johnny, listen I know you don’t feel good but you still are not allowed to throw fits and whine. Let’s get some coloring books and your favorite game packed up so that we will have something to do at the doctor’s office.” This type of compassionate response recognizes that sick kids aren’t mature enough to “tough it out” all the time without lapses in behavior, and anticipates a difficult time which can be helped by distraction. But it does NOT ignore the need to teach them “regardless of how you feel, you still have to rise to a certain level of good behavior”.
Notice the pattern? Compassion for the child’s situation and needs combined with INTOLERANCE for misbehavior, defiance, selfishness and disobedience. I’ve used “spanking” and “intolerance” in the same blog post proving that I’m some throwback to the Dark Ages.
What are your questions about parenting? I’ll fire up the oil lamps in the dungeon and if I have time between Crusades, I’ll answer your inquiries and comments.
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{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
How does spanking address character, selflessness, obedience and self control? You don’t explain how it works. In my experience spanking doesn’t teach the child any of those things – it just makes him mad at the parent, and/or makes him more clever and secretive in his behavior. Or, the child “behaves” because he wants to avoid a spanking, but there is no character development and often no respect for the parent. Spanking can ultimately break down a relationship between a parent and child, and I’m talking about simple spanking, not physical abuse.
Spanking is often a last ditch effort for a parent who feels he/she is losing or has lost control of a situation and needs/wants to get it back fast. There are many techniques other than distraction, redirection and spanking that DO teach character development, selflessness, obedience and self control. Spanking is an external control. There are many, many techniques that build strong parent/child relationships and teach a child to think for himself and internally regulate himself so that he knows how to act even when the spanking parent isn’t around.
Melissa
I sincerely appreciate comments that disagree when they are mutually respectful and sincere… I’ll address all the questions left today in a new post this week. BR
It has actually been our experience as parents that spanking IS the most effective at helping a child reach sincere repentance and heart change. Time outs seem to only fuel the tantrum. The child sits by him/herself, brewing and growing more bitter, forced to be disconnected to the rest of the family. Whereas with proper spanking, the price is paid, and reconciliation is immediate. I think the key is consistency and making sure to NOT make spanking a last-ditch effort. We give our children one warning, and then they get a spanking. It teaches them that they can’t keep pushing the envelope, and it helps us spank correctly, not out of anger or frustration because we’ve reached the end of our rope.
I am with the ones who thinks spanking (or smacking as we call it in the UK) does work. I don’t have children of my own (I’m only 23) but my Mum did it with us. Not a lot, because we were well behaved. But she did if she had to. And we learned VERY quickly that we wanted to avoid this. As a first stop, behaving to avoid being smacked is not a bad thing. And as you grow you realise this was done to keep you in line, and you appreciate the fact that your parents didnt let you make a fool of yourself in front of other family or friends etc
We also learned very young that if our Mum gave us ‘that look’ it meant behave or you’re going upstairs. And if we didn’t behave and it came to this we would run upstairs lol to avoid being smacked! She really didn’t do it all that often, and never in front of others. But the fact we knew it was on the table made us behave. I would go shopping with my Mum to clothes shops from when I was 4 (younger even but I don’t remember that) and I wouldn’t moan even if we were out the whole day. I remember being bored stiff a lot of the time, but I would say ‘that’s a nice top Mum, that would look nice’. Didn’t do me any harm. I’m thankful my Mum had clear cut discipline, it did us good. It’s not about being scared of your parents, it’s about being respectful. I never used violence towards my Mum. Even to this day I would never say a bad word to her, or have a bad word said about her.
And we knew how to behave when she wasn’t around too. But all children are different I suppose. I’m not saying it’s the only right way. But it is absolutely one way of doing it. And it does work for some.
Brent, Have you found any other disciplinary technique other than spanking that works as effectively? I remember awhile ago that you mentioned due to Abby’s medical needs she cannot be spanked. What did you replace the spanking with when she was disobedient, disrespectful, etc.?
THANK YOU! I have followed your personal family blog for over a year now – and just had to say THANKS!
Brandt and I Have 5 Children (ages 11 down to 3 months) in our home. The oldest two (11 & 9) are mine from my 1st marriage… Brandt and I have the youngest three together. We are both very firm believers in “spare the rod, spoil the child” – but other than HIS parents and my Dad, NOBODY else is supportive in our decision regarding spanking.
My best friend bites her tongue often – but is in total disagreement and refuses to bring her daughter (5 yrs old) around anymore if we plan on disciplining our children with spanking them in her presence.
Sad, huh.
Lots of great questions and comments about parenting… I’ll be responding to them in new posts this week… BR
Well Said!
My 4 year old never even needs “discipline” anymore because I was consistent with “discipline” all the time. The secret God wants you to get is that when you are consistent with discipline and with applying God’s Truth, and reading God’s Word for that matter, you child grows up in the way of the Lord. Reverent to those over them. Understanding consequence and understanding what they can and can’t do. Children need boundaries! Then when they know what they are, and obey inside boundaries for a season, then they get it! I’m so glad my child get’s it now. I’m also glad that the hard part of discipline is over and I get to really enjoy my child. When my child rebels or disobeys, all I have to do is say stop now or I spank. She get’s it and immediately changes her course! So, I encourage parents who are in the middle of this. When 90% of your day is spent correcting your child, and you think they will never get this. Keep with it. Stay consistent with discipline and reading the Word of God and praying. God’s Truth is Truth! I also pray with my child after I spank. We hug and kiss, and bring closure to the correction. Kids need closure. It gives them permission to be joyful and run around like the child God wants them to be. Closure puts an end to moping and bad attitudes. I also bless my child with the fruit of the Spirit, and go through each one blessing and praying it over my child. As parents and children of God, we are ever learning, and ever drawing close to the Father. God cares about you and your children! Ask Father God to help you parent in the way of Truth.
I agree with you 100%! As I said above I knew how to behave by age 4, and my Mum rarely needed to actually spank us after that. We just knew it was an option and we didn’t want it to happen!
You’re daughter will thank you when she is older that she had boundries!
Sounds exactly like our house. It has not been easy. But now my son is about to turn 5 and has gone several months without needing a spanking. It works. And we do what you do to bring it full circle.
I grew up saying I would never spank. Then I had a child that we quickly discovered had a will of steel and time outs, redirection, etc just wouldn’t phase him at all. The purposeful, calm spanking, followed by closure, is what finally worked. My daughter is a different story. Just a stern word and she falls into line.
Brent, great stuff.
Brent,
I am writing an article on this very thing for my feature on Totally Tots. People can argue or disagree – whatever you want to call it with you – but who they really need to see this all from is God’s point of view. He is all about love. He is all about the heart issue. He is all about 100% of the time OBEDIENCE. What most parents consider parenting is really just finding ways to appease the child – not discipline which God calls foolishness.
Praising God for your willingness to shed light and truth and love where it needs!
I’m going to share part of your post with TT readers next month!
Love and blessings,
Jill
Hi Brent,
I just want to commend you and applaud you for talking about such an important topic. Spanking. I know that you will get a lot of criticism about this and i just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone! I come from a family of 8 children and now I have 2 of my own. And when done properly…..spanking never did anyone bad…but only good! Thanks again!
Hi Brent,
Thanks for your article. I’m one of those awful parents who spanked her kids when they were younger (they are 12 and 9 now). I’ll never forget a day a few years ago when we went swimming with another family. When it was time to go, we each told our children it was time to get out of the water. My kids swam over and got out of the pool. By the time we were dried off, dressed, and had gotten our things together, she was STILL trying to get her kids out of the pool as we were saying goodbye and leaving. She was utterly astounded that my kids just got out. One thing that I did also, was NEVER make an “idle” threat. If I said there was a consequence to something, and they put it to the test, the consequence occurred. “If you interrupt again you will have no dessert” meant there was NO dessert if the child interrupted. It seems so logical, yet so many parents don’t follow through.
One last note is that I think if a parent “caves” to a fit or tantrum by giving the child something he or she wants, they have taught that child that throwing a fit WORKS. The child has incentive to throw a fit again next time. If they learn that a fit doesn’t EVER get them what they want, they eventually stop the behavior because it simply doesn’t work.
Now that my kids are older and I’m (Biblically) divorced, handling them is a little more difficult. I look forward to the next installment dealing with children who are not yet teenagers, but too old to spank.
Thanks for being unafraid to publish truth.
-Susan
I disagree with spanking, I am not sure what it teaches children except that we as adults are bigger and stronger. I do agree with consistently teaching children what is acceptable behavior and from day one sticking to the rules you set. Of course there will be times that you will make an exception (ill child, over tired child etc) but it is, in my opinion, very important to be clear and consistent.
I am curious…do those of you who do believe in spanking spank your child when teaching them not to hit?
I have been an early childhood educator for over 40 years. I am the proud parent of two respectful adult children who are now teaching their children to be respectful and obedient.
Hey Brent – I’d like to respectfully disagree too. I’m just not sure how spanking builds character. I think it shows that parents are physically in control. I don’t aim to control my kids but rather lead by example. I want my kids to behave because they are intrinically motivated and not because they don’t want to be spanked. That said, intrinsic motivation is difficult for toddlers but distraction and redirection work great. My goal was to stop the unwanted behavior and encourage good behavior so redirection was a favorite back in the day. I was only spanked once and remember it clearly and deserved it- stealing a Brach’s Orange Slice when I was 7. I’ve always thought I’d only spank if my kids did something really wrong and that I’d define really wrong when it happens. So far I haven’t spanked and my kids are 13, 11 and 9. I’ve rambled but wanted to share where I was coming from. Prayers for a healthy Riggs family!
THANK YOU for putting to words what I think so often about parenting! We are growing a generation of self-absorbed children who think the world revolves around them. We need to hold kids accountable for their behavior instead of holding them to such a low expectation.
I agree with you whole-heartedly!
I have to say that as an educator one of the first things that you realize is that children crave boundaries. Children are confused about the way the world works; everything is a mystery. As they grow older they naturally expand their knowledge of the physical world. However, the nature of human interactions and natural consequences, especially to those students who lack a solid spiritual and disciplinary foundation at home, remains a mystery to most. It has been my experience that children seek consistency and boundaries in order to relieve anxiety and stress with regards to potential consequences.
Without consistency children often live in fear because their parents reaction is unpredictable and often times out of proportion to the behavior.
Just curious. How did you handle this topic during your last homestudy? The adoption programs are very anti-spanking.
I kinda agree with the second paragraph of the first commenter and then ask – Is it bad to use spanking as a “last ditch effort for the parent to regain control of the situation”? – even if the act of spanking doesn’t really build character, selflessness, and the kind of obedience because you love God so much you want to obey your parents. Then I ask, is it bad to use these other non-spanking tools as a first line of defense to pause/prevent the bad behavior so that the parent and child calms down and will offer the parent an opportunity to communicate with words in LOVE ways of being selfless, why it is commanded that the child need to obey, self control, etc. To think that the parent may not *sin* (demonstrate character failure) while administering the spanking or time out is dangerous. I come from a long lineage of physical abuse, I chose to *NOT* spank my child. Instead I spent the first 5 years of my child’s life trying to figure out how to LOVE them, UNDERSTAND why they behave that way, LEARN my weakness, MANAGE my own issues, create this deep bond of LOVE amidst my sin – while using other forms of discipline except spanking. Thankfully, I and my child have reached a maturity where I can now *on occassion* spank my child in a healthy manner – primarily to regain appropriate control when other methods have been exhausted – is this inappropriate?
Quite frankly, I feel that spanking, timeouts, denials etc are ineffective if a deep-rooted level of love and trust is not built between parent and child. I don’t think spanking should be the first and appropriate line of response. I feel each parent should have a medley of corrective tools to choose from. I also feel like we shouldn’t be too scared of the idea of spanking. We should be scared that we (parents) are sinners and have a healthy fear and respect of our ability to “spank” (raise our hand to inflict pain to our child). We should check ourselves, our hearts. Regardless of what form of discipline we use with our children, we should be apologizing to them when we sin, when we retort in anger, when we put our pressures and desires above learning our children and growing with our children.
There have been many times, I haven’t “reprimanded” the bad behavior using customary responses. Instead, I focus on getting my child’s attention using subtle techniques and while we’re combing the doll’s hair or racing cars, I’ll explain to my child why their past behavior is inappropriate. I hope they understand. I spend some time learning my child to see if they can fully understand, what they understand, how they process the info..and then I patiently work my way up the escalating ladder of painful consequences… This strategy is LONG and time-consuming. This strategy doesn’t result in the perfectly behaved child all the time. This strategy keeps me guessing, keeps me checking my heart and my child’s heart. This strategy keeps me on bended knee – it’s hard but good to be down here…
Sincerely,
Liz
If spanking is done appropriately it will never be done with the hand, but with an inert tool. Hands are for loving with!
I was in line at a grocery checkout and the woman ahead of me reached for a magazine on the shelf. The young boy with her ducked down and cringed as her arm went by him. At the time my now twenty year old was just reaching toddler stage. It was at this moment I had confirmation that what I’d always believed was true. Hitting a child is wrong, no matter what the circumstances and that it was not something I would ever do to my son. That he would never have to cringe around me or fear that I would hurt him physically. I would be one person for sure that he could always feel safe with. People can argue that spanking is a way of “cultivating character, selflessness, obedience and self-control”, but there’s surely no way to argue that it sets an example of these qualities we so want to instill in our children.
If a child is ducking then he has been abused and not spanked properly and in the loving way the Bible teaches to do it. I do spank my children when it’s necessary. Not all problems get the spanking first. I have a whole toolbox of other ways to discipline as well. I lift my hands around my children all the time and they do not duck. And I do not spank with my hands. Hands are for loving. Not spanking!
Actually, the impact of spanking depends on the child. You could spank one with a plank and have no effect. Another would be turning over a new leaf when spanked with a feather. Parents need to be tuned in to what works with each of their children….be it 2 or 12 in your family. And I would have to agree about the Social Worker’s view point in a home study.
Hi Brent!
I really enjoyed your post, as I am a new parent and always looking for parenting advice. Out of curiosity, when do you recommend spanking–what age, for what “offenses,” etc. My son is almost 21 months old, so he is still quite young. He responds very well to time-out and we are very consistent with it. He is very obedient and I haven’t felt that spanking would be a good option for us at this point. So I was just wondering what point spanking came into play for your children (who have obviously turned out well!)
Thanks!
Rachel from Southwest Missouri
I agree. I’m Christian. My husband and I spank. End of story. I’m so happy that the entire world has not bought into this anti-spanking philosophy!
SGKM
I “get” what you’re saying, and I recognize the value in instilling good character traits in children–our most challenging child is our 16 year old son with Down syndrome–and his discipline issues quite possibly have nothing to do with having a disability, since I have seen the same issues with my brother, who does not have a disability. There is absolutely no way to compel our son to do something if he gets a particular “hardness” about him, in his expression. Nothing we do is bad enough, no promise is good enough, to make him comply. For example, he lost computer access for two days for refusing to brush his teeth, and still wouldn’t quit, but would have continued to escalate the dispute had my daughter not offered to race him to the bathroom to brush his teeth.
We try to minimize what we have disputes over with him, not wanting to fight to the death over every issue, then impose consequences for those times when he rebels over something we consider important. I don’t think I want to fight that much over teeth again.
We did impose consequences consistently as he was growing up, including, when necessary, spanking, time out, deprivation of privileges, etc. I guess my point is that children are human beings, who can continue to make bad choices in spite of our best efforts.
I don’t have seven children, only five, but I can say that our girls have been quite easy to discipline, two of our sons are very strong-willed and the third is somewhere in the middle. It’s not always as easy as “if you are consistent in disciplining things will work out.” Sometimes it’s trying to figure out what are the important rules, praising for getting things right, and trying not to escalate to the level where the strong-willed children are at the “do or die” stage.
Carolyn
I’m not a parent but have been a nanny and childcare worker for nearly 13 years (including live in, so have definitely experienced the full time demands of being a parent).
I agree with this article – children need strong discipline and this whole “redirect” nonsense doesn’t teach anything. And yes – children need to behave in the supermarket without silly games. Nothing wrong with the games, but if your child can’t behave without them something is wrong.
In 13 years I have never spanked a child in my life. Yet they still behave for me and mind what I say, because I speak with authority and don’t accept misbehaviour from them. Timeouts really only work on little kids, older kids respond better to having privileges taken away or working towards privileges (within reason – I knew two boys who had become mercenaries and would not do anything without a reward of some sort. They weren’t working toward privileges – they were being bribed to be good.)
I agree with the other comments that all spanking does is provide a quick fix by dominating the child and causing them pain to make them behave. Actually I would say it’s another form of distraction – the pain stops them misbehaving temporarily. I lived in Sweden where spanking is illegal. My children (4 and 5) were disrespectful and out of control when I arrived – within a few weeks of firm guidance they minded me and were soon behaving much better. I never laid a hand on them. So it goes to show children can be respectful and well mannered without spanking.
Just reading Susan’s comment (re disciplining teens who are too old to spank) and it brought back a memory – my mother spanked me and I hated it. It was the most degrading and painful thing, and frankly it made me disrespect her for showing violence to me. One day at about 12 years of age I was thinking about how much I hated being spanked – I suddenly looked at myself and realised how big I was. I was the same size as my mother and I thought to myself…”I’m big enough to fight back next time.” The next time she spanked me, I hit her right back. She hit me again, I hit her right back. I still remember the look on her face when she realized that she couldn’t physically dominate me anymore.
The point of this story – one, if you hit a child they learn that violence is ok. Two – one day they will be too big and then where are you? You have based your relationship on physical dominance and one day they might be bigger than you and fight back like I did (and no I didn’t grow up into a violent person, she never spanked me again after that day and I had no reason to fight back.)
If a person is going to use spanking as a disciplinary tool (which the Bible tells us to do) then we must NEVER do it in anger, frustration, or experiencing some very strong emotions. If that happens then a person needs to calm down and then discipline. Spanking in anger can lead to abuse and the child will naturally become fearful. If spanking is done lovingly the child will know it’s to get their attention not to do the naughty thing again. I am sure that Brent doesn’t use just spanking as the only item in his disciplinary toolbox. I have to discipline all three of my boys differently. I hardly have to spank anymore because they are well-behaved and we were consistent from the time they were little. Never spank with your hand! Hands are for loving! Great job Brent! Nice to know their are others out there who have a stand on discipline for their children.
Also, one thing I learned is that we need to discipline not punish our children. Those are two separate things all together.
I agree with you Shari when you say that one should not spank a child “in anger, frustration, or experiencing some very strong emotions.” As a parent, what I struggle with is *always* responding to misbehaviour void of negative emotion. When my child misbehaves, I get angry, sad, frustrated, etc. My immediate response is to stop the behaviour. How do you properly and effectively stop the misbehaviour??????
If I allow myself to liberally use spanking as a form of punishment for the misbehaviour, I’m afraid that I will be unchecked. I’m afraid that my knee jerk or perhaps hand jerk response will be to swat the child. I’m afraid I’d err on the side of being liberal with spanking instead of being highly cognizant of the purpose of why spanking was the tool chosen for this situation. I need the misbehaviour to stop, immediately…and I agree a spanking will do the trick.
I have spanking-advocate friends who choose to swat or snap the fingers (gently of course) of their 1 or 2 year olds to teach them that some household item is out of the child’s boundaries. Uh oh, don’t touch the Christmas tree, and the bright red ornaments…. as opposed to redirecting/distracting by removing the untouchables, etc.
I don’t think I quite understand the “Never spank with your hand!” instead use an “inert tool” and the “Hands are for loving!” part. I’m not exactly sure what the difference is, but I noticed you’ve stated this more than once so perhaps this is noteworthy. Either you strike the child with your hand or you use your hand to hold that “inert tool” with which you strike the child? In both scenarios, both my child and I are astutely aware my hand was used to inflict pain.
Unfortunately, I have spanked my children. Many times I regret it. Many times I regret the way I placed them in time out. Many times I regret the way I spoke to them in anger. When I exhaust all my other options, I will tell my child that I feel behaviour x is unacceptable, I’ve tried many other alternatives to change this behaviour, I have no other ideas so now I am going to put behaviour x on the may be punished by spanking list. I’m hoping that thoroughly scaring the bejimmies out of my child, she will hopefully stop this ongoing pattern of behaviour x. Fear being a great motivator – generally works.
I go through these great pains, hoops and hurdles against using spanking – primarily because I need to keep my power struggles in check, I need to keep my anger and negative emotions in check, I need to keep my selfishness in check. Hence, I’m not a card-carrying member for “we need to just spank our children” group. Perhaps I’m especially weak in this area of not sinning when responding to my children’s sin, and perhaps spanking peers have these issues all figured out. So I ask again – how do you keep these negative emotions in check? how do you prevent from yelling at your child in anger? or being sarcastic (something I’m doing a lot more these days)? let alone swatting your child in anger…
I view spanking a lot like alcohol. I don’t believe alcohol in and of itself is a sin. I believe how we use alcohol can be sinful. I don’t believe striking a child to protect them from imminent danger) as a sin. I believe how I view and use spanking can be sinful. Many of us conservatives stay away from alcohol because of the potential for addictions, for sin. There are perhaps many more of us who stay away from spanking because of the potential for sin.
Respectfully submitted
“K, you need to know I’m angry right now because you’re not listening. If you don’t stop what you’re doing right now I am going to take your favorite toy away for a whole day, and I won’t be changing my mind!”
“You know what son/daughter? I made a mistake. I said no too quickly and there’s really no reason why you can’t have another cookie. Sorry.”
“You know what? I think one cookie is enough for today because you’ve been eating lots of junk lately, and I won’t be changing my mind.”
“Wow. I can’t believe I just yelled like that. I’m really sorry. What you did was wrong but it doesn’t mean I should scream at you like that. Now, please just go to your room and I’ll tell when you can come out. What you did/are doing isn’t allowed.”
“If you continue to do that while we’re visiting you’re going to have to sit on my knee and not play with the other kids. Alright, you’re not doing as I asked so come on, you’re sitting on my knee for a bit.”
“We’re going to the grocery store and I’m sorry but you’re going to have to come with me. I know it’s boring and you get hot in your jacket but I’ll shop as quickly as possible. Please don’t ask me for anything because I am not buying any treats today. If you do start bugging me for stuff you won’t have any tv when we get home. Do you understand? Great, now let’s get this stinkin shopping done with sweetie, I love you and I know you can do this.”
All of these instances are obviously applied in an age appropriate manner. Remember though, young children understand plenty more than some people think. Very small children just have to be removed from the “christmas tree” over and over to somewhere it’s an effort to crawl back from and they’ll tire of it. A firm “nooo” and removing them should be the practise. They’re babies and we took on the responsibilty to watch and teach them when we decided to become parents. It’s tiresome but staying patient yet firm and consistent will pay off eventually.
If you are feeling especially grouchy one day for whatever reason, warn your child ahead of time. “Oh wow, I feel very grouchy today. I don’t know why and it’s got nothing to do with you but I just want to warn you I may have less patience than normal.”
And another thing, try and remember how YOU felt when you were a child. It’s the least we can do.
thank you, campbell
Dear Brent,
I know you are busy, and I am perhaps selfish to ask you to allocate time for my parenting concerns. In light of the recent death related to Michael and Debi Pearl’s “To Train Up a Child” discipline methods and my sinful inability to always separate sinful anger from righteous anger or even misunderstanding – would you be willing to readdress this issue of spanking and parental discipline?
A Christian woman whom I greatly admire suggested I study the Pearl book to help me with parenting. I belong to a wonderful church that espouses spanking as a form of discipline – so I am surrounded by spankers, and I’m also surrounded by my kids who demonstrate their sinful nature (just like I do). So many times, I want to employ the spanking method (go to your room, you’ll be getting a spanking, three times for this behaviour, chitchat after the act) etc. – but fear of the unknown grips me.
I recognize that I don’t have to whole-heartedly agree with you and your methods of practice. However, since you’ve taken a leadership type role in the blogosphere, I was hoping to hear that spanking is not a necessary form of discipline and that a parent would still be blessed if they chose other forms of discipline.
Also till what age do you employ spanking? I’m hoping you’re going to say 4 or 5yo.
Sincerely
Liz, hi.
I’ve checked back periodically since your reply to me because I got the impression you were struggling with this issue. Perhaps since you haven’t heard back from the owner of this blog you’ll not take offense to me telling you that spanking is not a necessary form of discipline, that in my perception of spirituality and right and wrong a parent who doesn’t spank would most certainly still be “blessed”.
What they would be blessed with is a child that knows they have a parent who would never harm them physically. A child who may get beat up at school, physically or mentally, but survives because they have a safe haven at home and people that they trust. A child who would believe their parent when the parent teaches that hitting is wrong because they’ve set that example.
Isn’t it our responsibility to teach our kids to be good for the sake of being good? To have integrity about how they conduct themselves and treat others? What’s better, a child who chooses to do something right because THEY know that it is as opposed to doing the right thing out of fear of being hit or that God will see them. What happens if they stop believing that God can see all or they become to big or old to be spanked? What’s the motivation to be a good person?
If a person can choose to do the right thing knowing that nobody will know if they hadn’t, that what’s most important is what they think of themselves. Isn’t that the ultimate goal?
I agree our kids should have a healthy fear of their parents, but of disappointing them, not of being hit or screamed at by them.
My son will be twenty next month. He’s never smoked, drank alcohol, or done drugs. He’s an aspiring rock musician studying music in university. He’s a kind caring son, boyfriend, grandson. He would never steal, litter, vandalize, or physically harm another living creature.
He’s also never been spanked.
Liz, don’t spank because the church or Brent tell you to. You’re clearly not comfortable with the idea and I for one agree with you.
Brent, I was reading your family’s blog today and read your e-mails about a child punishing a parent by withholding love. At the end of that post was one entitled: Parenting in 2010 (January 11, 2010). I read your opinions and most of the replies afterwards. You stated twice that you would address some of the ideas/questions mentioned in the replies. Where do I find your response to those replies?