I’ve checked back periodically since your reply to me because I got the impression you were struggling with this issue. Perhaps since you haven’t heard back from the owner of this blog you’ll not take offense to me telling you that spanking is not a necessary form of discipline, that in my perception of spirituality and right and wrong a parent who doesn’t spank would most certainly still be “blessed”.

What they would be blessed with is a child that knows they have a parent who would never harm them physically. A child who may get beat up at school, physically or mentally, but survives because they have a safe haven at home and people that they trust. A child who would believe their parent when the parent teaches that hitting is wrong because they’ve set that example.

Isn’t it our responsibility to teach our kids to be good for the sake of being good? To have integrity about how they conduct themselves and treat others? What’s better, a child who chooses to do something right because THEY know that it is as opposed to doing the right thing out of fear of being hit or that God will see them. What happens if they stop believing that God can see all or they become to big or old to be spanked? What’s the motivation to be a good person?

If a person can choose to do the right thing knowing that nobody will know if they hadn’t, that what’s most important is what they think of themselves. Isn’t that the ultimate goal?

I agree our kids should have a healthy fear of their parents, but of disappointing them, not of being hit or screamed at by them.

My son will be twenty next month. He’s never smoked, drank alcohol, or done drugs. He’s an aspiring rock musician studying music in university. He’s a kind caring son, boyfriend, grandson. He would never steal, litter, vandalize, or physically harm another living creature.

He’s also never been spanked.

Liz, don’t spank because the church or Brent tell you to. You’re clearly not comfortable with the idea and I for one agree with you.

A Christian woman whom I greatly admire suggested I study the Pearl book to help me with parenting. I belong to a wonderful church that espouses spanking as a form of discipline – so I am surrounded by spankers, and I’m also surrounded by my kids who demonstrate their sinful nature (just like I do). So many times, I want to employ the spanking method (go to your room, you’ll be getting a spanking, three times for this behaviour, chitchat after the act) etc. – but fear of the unknown grips me.

I recognize that I don’t have to whole-heartedly agree with you and your methods of practice. However, since you’ve taken a leadership type role in the blogosphere, I was hoping to hear that spanking is not a necessary form of discipline and that a parent would still be blessed if they chose other forms of discipline.

Also till what age do you employ spanking? I’m hoping you’re going to say 4 or 5yo.

Sincerely

“You know what son/daughter? I made a mistake. I said no too quickly and there’s really no reason why you can’t have another cookie. Sorry.”

“You know what? I think one cookie is enough for today because you’ve been eating lots of junk lately, and I won’t be changing my mind.”

“Wow. I can’t believe I just yelled like that. I’m really sorry. What you did was wrong but it doesn’t mean I should scream at you like that. Now, please just go to your room and I’ll tell when you can come out. What you did/are doing isn’t allowed.”

“If you continue to do that while we’re visiting you’re going to have to sit on my knee and not play with the other kids. Alright, you’re not doing as I asked so come on, you’re sitting on my knee for a bit.”

“We’re going to the grocery store and I’m sorry but you’re going to have to come with me. I know it’s boring and you get hot in your jacket but I’ll shop as quickly as possible. Please don’t ask me for anything because I am not buying any treats today. If you do start bugging me for stuff you won’t have any tv when we get home. Do you understand? Great, now let’s get this stinkin shopping done with sweetie, I love you and I know you can do this.”

All of these instances are obviously applied in an age appropriate manner. Remember though, young children understand plenty more than some people think. Very small children just have to be removed from the “christmas tree” over and over to somewhere it’s an effort to crawl back from and they’ll tire of it. A firm “nooo” and removing them should be the practise. They’re babies and we took on the responsibilty to watch and teach them when we decided to become parents. It’s tiresome but staying patient yet firm and consistent will pay off eventually.

If you are feeling especially grouchy one day for whatever reason, warn your child ahead of time. “Oh wow, I feel very grouchy today. I don’t know why and it’s got nothing to do with you but I just want to warn you I may have less patience than normal.”

And another thing, try and remember how YOU felt when you were a child. It’s the least we can do.

If I allow myself to liberally use spanking as a form of punishment for the misbehaviour, I’m afraid that I will be unchecked. I’m afraid that my knee jerk or perhaps hand jerk response will be to swat the child. I’m afraid I’d err on the side of being liberal with spanking instead of being highly cognizant of the purpose of why spanking was the tool chosen for this situation. I need the misbehaviour to stop, immediately…and I agree a spanking will do the trick.

I have spanking-advocate friends who choose to swat or snap the fingers (gently of course) of their 1 or 2 year olds to teach them that some household item is out of the child’s boundaries. Uh oh, don’t touch the Christmas tree, and the bright red ornaments…. as opposed to redirecting/distracting by removing the untouchables, etc.

I don’t think I quite understand the “Never spank with your hand!” instead use an “inert tool” and the “Hands are for loving!” part. I’m not exactly sure what the difference is, but I noticed you’ve stated this more than once so perhaps this is noteworthy. Either you strike the child with your hand or you use your hand to hold that “inert tool” with which you strike the child? In both scenarios, both my child and I are astutely aware my hand was used to inflict pain.

Unfortunately, I have spanked my children. Many times I regret it. Many times I regret the way I placed them in time out. Many times I regret the way I spoke to them in anger. When I exhaust all my other options, I will tell my child that I feel behaviour x is unacceptable, I’ve tried many other alternatives to change this behaviour, I have no other ideas so now I am going to put behaviour x on the may be punished by spanking list. I’m hoping that thoroughly scaring the bejimmies out of my child, she will hopefully stop this ongoing pattern of behaviour x. Fear being a great motivator – generally works.

I go through these great pains, hoops and hurdles against using spanking – primarily because I need to keep my power struggles in check, I need to keep my anger and negative emotions in check, I need to keep my selfishness in check. Hence, I’m not a card-carrying member for “we need to just spank our children” group. Perhaps I’m especially weak in this area of not sinning when responding to my children’s sin, and perhaps spanking peers have these issues all figured out. So I ask again – how do you keep these negative emotions in check? how do you prevent from yelling at your child in anger? or being sarcastic (something I’m doing a lot more these days)? let alone swatting your child in anger…

I view spanking a lot like alcohol. I don’t believe alcohol in and of itself is a sin. I believe how we use alcohol can be sinful. I don’t believe striking a child to protect them from imminent danger) as a sin. I believe how I view and use spanking can be sinful. Many of us conservatives stay away from alcohol because of the potential for addictions, for sin. There are perhaps many more of us who stay away from spanking because of the potential for sin.

Respectfully submitted