Can’t Teach Your Kids What You Don’t Do Yourself
Parents are supposed to teach their kids not to make excuse right? Own up to your faults, failures and responsibility. Don’t make excuses! Right?
That’s a tough message to convince kids of when many (most?) PARENTS are the ones engaging in constant excuse-making about… their parenting.
The other day I witnessed a a little girl stomping and screaming and throwing a fit in public. Her mother sheepishly explained to those near her “she’s just not a morning person. She’s always like this.” Puh-leeze…
I’ll bet the little darling isn’t a “bedtime person” or a “take you to a restaurant person” or a “sit still in church person” either. This is not about the little girl, it’s about us PARENTS. It is an issue of parenting, that lost skill of raising obedient, respectful and self-controlled children.
I was delighted this weekend to see families like the Blocks, the Patterson’s and yes, the Riggs‘ who between them have about a hundred children… every one of them sat attentively and quietly through an almost 2 hour memorial service. Only the two babies had to be taken out as they grew restless. All the others, from teens to toddlers, were well behaved and disciplined.
Accident? No. You won’t find an excuse-making parent in the bunch. They believe in those old fashioned qualities of discipline, obedience, selfLESSness and even this shocking concept: the world doesn’t revolve around WHAT THE KIDS WANT every second of every day.
The whole point of parenting is to mature and discipline our kids away from childish impulsiveness, training them to control their emotions and their feelings. That’s a hard sell when the parents themselves haven’t even learned the lesson.
Parents today are awash in psychobabble and sadly, intimidated by all the Godless “experts” out there who have cast aside Christian parenting concepts for humanistic and frankly WORTHLESS modern parenting tricks like the ever popular IGNORING your child while they throw a rip roaring, embarrassing and shameful fit because they want the red sucker not the green one (I know, I know… “they just don’t feel well”).
Then there’s the “let’s video or make jokes about our little monster-in-training and turn it into a big laugh”. Or proclaim “they are just tired and need a nap”. That might distract the parents embarrassment over their child’s inability to behave in public but it doesn’t fool other people, or the child.
Okay… that ought to be enough to get me a truckload of ugly email full of fun words like judgmental, intolerant, religious zealot and nazi parent.
Parents: don’t expect your kids to stop making excuses until you do. And don’t expect them to grow up respectful, obedient and disciplined adults if you don’t require that of them while they are still inmates in your house (did I just say “inmates”?).
Signs of the Times
Graffiti in bathrooms… am I the only person who gets tired of having to ignore a thousand variations of the f-word on bathroom walls as well as the numerous crude drawings of genitalia? Or worse, having to figure out whether to explain it to my kids (depending on their age), or hope I can distract them long enough to avoid any questions?
I know: age old problem, just live with it. I know. But it’s still frustrating and worse, a clear sign of the common moral temperature of our nation. It used to be just public restrooms in seedy gas stations. Now it’s every where. In fact, I often notice the great lengths businesses have to go to when building bathrooms trying to find materials that cannot be scratched, written on or painted… then cleaned off if they are.
Now it’s pretty much any bathroom anywhere in public. I’ve even seen it in CHURCH bathrooms, book stores, McDonalds, malls, restaurants… you can’t send your kids in anywhere without wondering if they are going to come out asking questions about various sex acts or creative uses of the “f-word”.
Christians get criticized for “sheltering” their kids but give me a break… bathrooms are pornographic; you can’t walk into a convenience store without seeing a magazine rack full of nekkid girl covers; you can’t drive down the road without billboards full of barely dressed women; you can’t go anywhere during the summer without a constant buffet of thong underwear and buttcracks on display. And now, even worse in my opinion, is this constant, habitual male habit of scratching, grabbing and rubbing their…. you know what I’m talking about it. It’s disgusting, crude and sadly becoming ridiculously common IN PUBLIC. Not just “thugs” either… I’ve seen grown men, college kids, athletes, you name it. Doesn’t anyone have any sense of modesty any more?
We are a Corinthian (highly immoral) culture now and Christian parents just have to work that much harder to spiritually strengthen and train their kids to live their faith despite the rampant and increasingly normalized immorality.
Mama and Obama
One of my mama friends told me the other day that when her kids ask for money and they aren’t willing to work for it, she replies with:
“I’m your mama, not Obama”.
Classic. There’s enough truth in that simple phrase to write a book. Hey, maybe I will.
Another Sign of Time
While we are on cultural indicators, I just saw an ad for a music group called “God Smack” or “godsmack” or some such blasphemous, shameful thing. They have an album called “The Oracle” with a popular title song “Cry’in Like a B–ch”.
Is that really what we’ve come to in our country? Something that heathen doesn’t even get anyone’s attention? 50 years (maybe 25), that would have been boycotted or condemned by someone or some group with morals, values and principles.
Okay, One More
I generally disdain beer commercials (because they make all guys look like lustful idiots and women manipulative party animals) but I saw one I thought was both funny, culturally relevant and made good point (even that was not their intent). It went sort of like this:
A soft looking professional guy with a bag slung over his shoulder was holding a drink. A girl bartender said something like “hey, when you get ready for a man drink, put your purse down and I’ll pour you a beer.”
The guy says, “it’s a ‘carry all’ not a purse.”
“No” she replied with a condescending and “you’re pathetic” look… “it’s a purse.”
I think it says a lot when even the world is making jokes about how feminized and sissy men have become. Serious Christian men have long lamented the “soft-i-fying” of males today. It really says something when even the Godless culture is making jokes about it.
Of course, that same beer company would probably shrivel and pull the commercial if the “bi-tri-les-gay-hom-trans-let-me-live-whatever-immoral-lifestyle-I-want-fem-aclu” groups attacked them over the ad. Then again, those groups are too busy trying to legalize immorality and get tax payers to subsidize their politics. So the beer companies need not fear them.
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I would be very grateful if you
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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You get no argument from me! You’re right on the mark. Keep up the good work.
Love it!!! Thanks for putting into words my reaction to ALL of those things. Too funny…….
Oh Brent! You had me laughing! I agree with everything you have posted here and yes, we get called things like ‘old-fashioned’, ‘nazi parents’, ‘you’re too hard on your kids’. Well, you get the picture. But we can take all of our kids anywhere including our autistic son and have no issues! I am not bragging. It’s because we use the parenting style that molds kids into being obedient, respectful, etc. Thanks for the great post!
Well said!!! If parents stopped making excuses for their children and taught them how to behave, my job as a second grade teacher would be so much easier. I too believe in the old fashioned values of obedience, discipline and respecting others.
Oh. My. Gosh. Did you ever just say a mouthful!
I am actually with you on all of it but have something to say about the parenting thing. People expect not a lot from me parenting wise, and are surprised when they realize how “strict” I am. I am 25 with 4 kids, but I’m not stupid. My kids might not always be angels, but there are swift and consistent consequences when they chose to test the boundaries with me. My husband is deployed for the 2nd time….it might not be popular, but I don’t have time to cater to the whims of 4 people under 4 feet. Besides, I have more fun with my kids then the people who think I’m “harsh”…they are a joy to be around and *gasp* say “yes m’am”, “no sir” “please” and “thank you”.
Speaking of such things….would you believe that I was told recently by my son’s kindergarten teacher that he is the ONLY student in her class that reliably uses the polite speech mentioned above? A lost art, indeed.
Brent-
While I tend to agree with most of this post (particularly the bits about children and their behavior), I have to stop and comment about your friend’s Obama remark. While you may not agree with all of his politics or policies, he is trying to reach out to and make life better for a large segment of our population. One of those people who stands to be helped by those policies is your Abby–who will likely have trouble getting health insurance as an adult because of her health issues. To be fair, I DON’T agree with all of his policies. It is just frustrating to watch everyone tear the man down without offering viable solutions in its place.
Kelly
I would agree that President should be given a fair chance, unlike the fair chance that was denied the last President by the media, Democrats, Unions, feminists and Liberals. However, President Obama HAS been given a fair chance for going on two years to show us what he is about and he has radically changed the course of our nation to one of a European statist, government-centric nation.
The ones that will “benefit” currently are those who depend on government and feel entitled to love off the productivity and hard work of others.
I don’t “tear down” people. If Mr. Obama was a good President, I would be the first to say so, and defend him because my integrity and faith demands. Likewise, my integrity and faith demands that I recognize and speak the truth about the awful and in my opinion, irreparable damage the President’s Marxist, often racist and always “class envy based” agenda has inflicted on my kids, your kids and all our grandkids. You and I will be dead when the full harvest is ready for our future generations.
I love reading what you write and I completely agree with where you are coming from. I am a young mom (24) with an almost two year old little girl. I am so saddened to see how other young children her age act and treat those around them. It’s scary to let your children into a world with so many influences. I just pray that I will instill values that she will hold tightly to. We all know there are moments of breakdowns and tantrums due to overtired toddlers or cranky children, but I am tired of hearing excuses for bad behavior over and over again. I feel like too many people today are so caught up in being their child’s “friend” that they forget to be their parent.
I have been reading your websites for over a year now and just now commenting but I would really like to thank you for your honesty even when it is not *popular*. It is very refreshing. Have you published a parenting book? I would be very interested.
I have several on my planned list… just have to find the time.
AMEN – to the first one, I won’t comment on the others particularly the last one.
My friend Meaghan’s daughter is such a brat that I’ve been tempted to ask her to put her in childcare on the days I see them. Her daughter is three and pitches fits over anything – and I do mean anything. From a child touching her arm “She TOUCHED meeeeeeeeeee!!!!” to being told no “BUT I WANNNNNN IT!!!” this kid is an A-1 brat.
Meaghan’s constant catch cry? “She’s tired.”
“Oh we had a big weekend, she’s tired.”
“Oh she’s just so tired today, she’s over it.”
“Preschool this week, yeah…she’s tired.”
No Meaghan, she is a brat. I even said perhaps take her to a doctor and get this tiredness looked at, because she’s “tired” every single day. Plus it’s 9 in the morning and she’s had a decent sleep…she ain’t tired. She’s a brat. Even if she is tired, there is no excuse for her constant screaming tantrums because someone looked at her, touched a toy she had an hour ago, or because she wants a chip.
I totally agree with all of it as well. But I do try to cut parents some slack sometimes. I’ve had 4 toddlers. The first two learned pretty quickly the kind of behavior we expected. The third one we did not coddle, and we were as consistent as we could be. But that child was so much more thick skulled than the other two, it just took him a lot longer to get it that he just could not throw fits. So, even though we would discipline him for his screaming and outbursts every time, it just took him until he was about 4 before he actually started being willing or able to control himself. So, it wasn’t permissive parenting, but a very strong willed child, and I sometimes cringe when I hear people blaming parents every time their child is a brat. Now we have an adopted two year old who is nothing like that, and it’s soooo nice. Now we look like perfect parents. (And that screamer is now six, and coming along nicely, by the way.)
I totally agree… we should cut parents lots and lots and lots of slack… BUT, when parents finally hear or learn the truth they should not make excuses any more, they should do the hard work of changing their parenting philosophy, and the even harder work of implementing it in their home.
And FYI… it’s not blaming the parents every time kids are brats (all of our kids have their bratty moments). It’s blaming the parents when they make excuses or ignore their bratty kids routinely.
I agree with both of you. The other day a child was screaming in the mall, and my mother very rudely said “MY GOODNESS!” and gave the mom a dirty look. I dragged my mom away in horror, asking how could she be so rude. We don’t know if that child is autistic or has some other kind of special need, or what had happened right before it. Or like Holly pointed out, some tough parents still get difficult children. We don’t know that woman’s story.
But I agree with Brent’s point – it’s the excuses we’re sick of. “She’s tired” is NOT an excuse for bad behavior. Brent showed us that even when Abby was sick, there were certain expectations for manners and general behavior, and Abby met them. Even when tired there are acceptable limits, and saying “She’s tired” teaches the child if you are tired you can get away with murder. My friend Meaghan has a mix of both – yes her daughter is particularly strong willed. But I’ve also seen Meaghan let her get away with shocking behavior and she’s not required to lift her game – so she doesn’t.
Totally in the same boat. Our first was just difficult enough to raise that we had to work at it but easy enough that we were patting our backs over a job well done. Then along came #2–strong willed as all get out. We had the EXACT same experience with fit throwing and him not really learning to control himself until age 4. He’s 7 now and let me tell you all that hard work is really paying off…although he is still not easy.
#3 is the easiest child on the planet…or seems so after her brother. Ha! I try to cut parents slack too remembering our difficult days.
Amen to no more excuses! Great post.
I agree with you wholeheartedly on all points. Keep up the good work.