A reader asks:
I have been married for three years to a man I dated off and on for almost 15 years. We have children ages two, four and 10. I have found inappropriate chat messages from another female to my husband. My husband said he wasn’t happy, especially with my weight gain. We just finished building a new house and moved into it. The messages to the other woman date back two years. We have been in counseling and everything seemed to be resolved. I have obvious trust issues because I found the text messages. A second time, this time with an ex-wife, my husband says he’s done. He’s tired of me snooping and I just need to get over it. He doesn’t know that I’m aware of the messages from the second woman. I’m afraid to ask since I am not supposed to be snooping anymore. His phone is always faced down because he says you can’t hear it ring any other way. What should I do?
My answer:
This is one of those questions that I have a hard time answering because it is going to contain an equal amount of hard to swallow response for both spouses. The point I want to start out with, which is a general point to everyone reading this (and seems to go lost today in a big way): you reap what you sow. The Bible tells us “be not deceived, God is not mocked, what ever you reap, you will sow.”
A little entry-level sleuthing brings us to the obvious point that while you were dating your future husband, you guys were fornicating. You had children out of wedlock. You had an on-again, off-again relationship which should’ve spoke to you both about the level of commitment. I’m sure there were other relationships during the “off-again” times that most likely had sex involved too. For over a decade you established a pattern with him of being with you part of the time and with other women part of the time and now it surprises you that he still doing the same thing after you signed a piece of paper that says you’re “married”.
Choices Today Have Consequences Tomorrow
It’s not my intention to make you feel worse about the situation, but everyone has to learn at some point in their life that there are consequences that follow choices. You are not in this situation by some innocent and unfortunate turn of circumstances. The behavior your husband is exhibiting is exactly the same behavior he had for the 15 years before that. So it is important to you going into the future that you are a person who learns lessons from the past and does not ignore the fact that your choices today have consequences tomorrow.
As for your husband, the most delicate way I can respond to his “you should not be snooping” is this: he’s an idiot. I’ll bet if you are cheating on him, he would think snooping is okay on his part. I’ll bet if someone was stealing his money, he would be snooping around trying to figure out who it was. This whole idea of a husband or wife demanding privacy from their spouse only comes up when there is something to hide. Spouses don’t need “relationship privacy” when they’re not having inappropriate relationships outside of their marriage. I always get a bittersweet chuckle when I hear those juvenile excuses like “you can only hear the phone ring if it’s face down.” Does he not realize how utterly stupid and juvenile that sounds?
As to your question “what should I do?”, I cannot give you an objective black or white answer but only my subjective opinion based on my experience. I think you should immediately go tell your husband you are aware of the other woman. I think you should tell him that his demands you not “snoop” are ridiculous when he is giving you every reason to be suspicious because of his behavior. I think that you should demand from him that he put in place accountability and safeguards to protect your marriage. I don’t think that you should tolerate for one second any unfaithfulness on his part.
At that point he will no doubt, and in some ways justifiably, throw up all the past in your face. But neither of you can change the past, you can only change what you’re going to do starting today.
Having said that, I will tell you that you are in a very difficult position because your marriage and relationship from the start has been “on-again, off-again” and not based on the commitment and security that only comes with God’s plan for sex and marriage. If both you and your husband are committed to a Godly marriage, there is no doubt that you can have one. Sadly, if both of you are not committed to it, there is not a whole lot you can do about it. From my experience and given what you have told me, if he is not wholeheartedly committed to a Godly marriage he will eventually commit adultery and your marriage will probably end in divorce (“off-again”). It pains me to say that, but you did not write me for anything less than a truthful answer.
We all make bad choices sometimes, and we all have to face the consequences of them. The question is whether not we learn those lessons and take God at his word and begin to live according to unbreakable and unavoidable rule that “God is not mocked, whatever you reap you will sow.” When we reach a point in life where we truly believe that, it will have a profound effect on our choices. So generally speaking to everyone reading this, that’s the message and point I want you to take away from my answer.
Specifically speaking to those who find themselves in this situation or similar, you can’t change the past. You can only do what is right from this point on and pray that your spouse will do the same. Don’t play games, don’t hide from the past, and don’t allow the offending spouse to manipulate the situation with guilt or threats. Put the truth on the table and control the only thing you can control: your own choices and behavior.
Readers, what is your advice and opinion about this?
PS: WHAT ARE YOUR QUESTIONS FOR ME? Ask here. Want to book me for preaching, speaking or business consulting? Go here. If you are blessed by what I write, would you be so kind to share this post with others by clicking the SHARE+ button below? You never know who might need these exact words in their life today. To give a gift of support, click here.
at 3:11 pm
For me, if my phone can’t lie around, unattended and face up; or if I can’t let my wife know any (all) of my passwords, especially to places like Facebook, Twitter or my E-mail account, then something is wrong with ME or I have something to hide. I do not believe it “snooping” if my wife wants to look through my E-mail or phone. I’ve never given her reason to not trust me but a marriage must be completely open and honest. If a spouse is not willing to operate under those conditions then I believe they have something to hide. I know it might sound pretty harsh but with all that is thrown at men (and women) today from every angel – work, recreation, media, etc. then we must take action to protect our marriages, our homes and our families. And by the way, “weight gain” is a completely unacceptable excuse for one spouse to throw at another. Where’s the love in that?
at 4:08 pm
Amen on all points. You are correct, and your wife is blessed to have you. BR
at 4:52 pm
I don’t think starting off with “You reap what you sow” is productive. If you wanted to point that out you should have put it in context, i.e. Galatians 6:1-15
New International Version (NIV)
Doing Good to All
6 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load. 6 Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor.
7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
This gets your point across but does not put them on the defensive. I have had friends that have gotten divorced and what I have noticed is that they do not have God at the center of their marriage. In my opinion that is the key for any Christian marriage. My wife knows that I would choose God over her any day of the week and I know that she would do the same. I personally use Ephesians 5 but in context. Most men, in my experience, like to use only 5:22-24 but miss the point. In context it is 5:21-33 …
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
If a marriage is not God centered and of one flesh how can it survive?
at 4:59 pm
I started with that point on purpose. This principle of “reap what you sow” is simply IGNORED today. From stories like this, it should be self evident that the current situation is a by product of past choices. Without a clear evaluation of that, nothing can be done about the future. People today seem to think we can thumb our noses at God and then expect His rescue when we mess things up. Yes, God will come to the rescue, but we must learn the lesson of “reap what you sow” at the same time.
There will be as many opinions about my answer as there are people who voice them… if there was a black and white way to answer, we’d all answer the same way.
I think it is productive to get people to see that our current consequences are often products of our past choices.
Brent
at 6:59 pm
Hello Reader,
The point I take away with this is there is Grace for change. I started writing and reply and lost it and it nudged me enough to return. There is deception on many fronts; likely the strongest in the post of the reader and her expectations in life.
To have a relationship where you are giving permission to be disrespected leads me to wonder why the reader is not placing value on herself or, more importantly, her children. Is this the life and values you would want your children to define as their expectations in their life?
Brent, I support you in you reap what you sow– not in judgement but in truth (as I believe you were leading). God is there for the reader if she would reach out and seek Him for strength and truth. She can find the strength to change this environment and find the value in herself that God sees.
Reader, Act 3:6 “Then Peter said, Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth RISE UP AND WALK.”
OK- I added the emphasis.
Do not except less than God’s best for you and the children
at 10:05 pm
Brent this sounds rather cynical.
‘I started with that point on purpose. This principle of “reap what you sow” is simply IGNORED today.’
So you’re purpose was to throw her sin back in her face? How is that helpful? As a professed teacher of the Gospel why would you do that? Read this:
John 8:2-11: At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
Every Christian knows they are guilty. No one is innocent. Some people spread the Gospel by bashing others over the head with it while others teach God’s grace. What kind of teacher are you?
Have you ever read the book “What’s so Amazing About Grace”, by Phillip Yancey? It offers some insight into how we as Christians have lost sight of the message of God’s Grace. It’s a good read.
at 10:11 pm
Gordon,
Some good points… of course we need to consider the entire Bible and not just one example. We get in trouble when we pull one supporting point from Scripture and make it universally applicable as you have in this case. When Jesus responded to the woman at the well or the “rich young ruler”, he began by pointing out the sin first because he knew that’s what they needed to hear. Paul often did this with a huge example being the Corinthian church. My point is this: there is no ONE WAY to respond to every situation but rather, we need to discern each situation and respond in a manner appropriate to the person and needs. Of course, there is no OBJECTIVE way to determine what this is, so we have to allow others liberty and the Spirit’s guidance rather than assuming OUR approach is “clearly best”. As my readers can see if they’ve been reading my stuff for very long, I have a pretty varied approach to reader questions and inquiries for advice… taking each question separately and considering the best way to respond. Brent
at 1:34 am
Confronting sin is not pleasant, but Hebrews 13 tells me to step outside of my comfort zone to serve God. Sin hurts people; the person sinning as well as those around them, and even God. And it gives the devil ammunition to condemn. I write from the perspective of one who has struggled with sin, and I value the advice of friends who care enough to speak up to help, and not condemn. We speak up to help heal the one caught up in sin, so they can stop hurting, have peace, and be whole again. God will help us in that process when we ask. None of us are above sinning, and we need each other.
Sin must be confronted in love as soon as possible, and if I fail to confront, I will answer to my Father God. The one being helped might be me, and the helper might be you.