A reader asks:
What do parents do when their adult daughter has a child, and then resorts to stripping for a living, is on drugs and alcohol, leaves her husband to live with another man, and loses her Faith in God? We have tried everything!
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I continued to be somewhat amazed and definitely saddened by the unending stories of young ladies throwing their life away. It is truly a statement about a society when even the women are engaged in a pandemic of destructive, immoral behavior.
I can't even begin to tell you all the stories I get about teenage and twenty-something girls who choose dangerous, destructive and plain stupid lifestyles. Drugs, alcohol, casual sex. Lesbianism, promiscuity... 18 year olds shacking up with 40 year old men... 21 year olds demanding complete freedom to "party" while practically blackmailing their parents for financial help under threat of doing even worse, or cutting off the relationship. I seem to get an endless stream of accounts of young ladies making life miserable for their entire family in the selfish pursuit of personal indulgence.
While there have always been exceptions to the rule, we are now seeing the results of several successive generations parents and children who have turned away from God, embraced worldliness, accepted substandard levels of sexual purity, been indoctrinated by feminism and "personal rights", and grown up with parents who have had their ability to discipline properly stripped away for fear of being labeled "abusive".
But... here we are. God has principles and answers for all times and needs so there is NEVER a reason to despair. I do not speak to you in CONCEPT or platitudes.... I've been through some VERY tough family situations myself, not to mention the countless times I've discussed and advised others for the same. So what I'm about to say is most certainly OPINION, but it's not uninformed or unseasoned opinion. There are no magic answers, but I do have a few things that I've learned.
First, it is very hard for good parents to accept the fact that there comes a time when your children become SOLELY responsible for their choices, and life. In America, we have this artificial "age of adulthood" at 18, when sometimes-still-foolish teenagers decide they want to ruin their life... and legally they can.
That's a reality we have to accept at whatever age a rebellious adult child decides to give us the proverbial "finger" and trot off down the path of destruction. You had to grow up. They have to grow up.
Does accepting the fact that they are "adults" make it any easier on parents? No. Does accepting the fact that we can NOT control them make it easier? No. Does realizing that we have to allow them to "grow up", even if it's the hard way, make it easier? No.
However, as Christians we are NOT to despair or worry. How is that accomplished? Simple answer, hard to accept and rest in:
God is in control. He really is. This single fact when believed and acted on allows us to relax. It's still hard to watch our kids self destruct, but think about it... who do you want TRULY responsible for them: YOU? Or God?
God is infinitely capable of caring for a wayward child. You have to truly believe that and embrace it. I like to think of Moses being carried off to be raised in the most decadent and Godless society imaginable. Yet, God had plans and was fully capable of bringing Moses back to Him.
It is hard for parents to accept that our kids grow up, and THEY have to make the choice to serve God. THEY DO. Not us. And sometimes they do NOT. That's just the reality. No amount of stressing, anxiety, manipulation, anger, threats, tricks, lectures or tears can FORCE a child to choose God. We must allow GOD to draw our kids to Him.
Many Christians come to God via a hard path. We just don't want it to be our kids but sometimes it is. If you have a wayward child, pray that they will end up with a GREAT story of God's saving grace NOT a great story about how YOU twisted their arm until they straightened up. That doesn't mean we aren't firm, unwavering and even tough... but it means we rely ultimately on God and not our own machinations.
We are commanded not to worry or be anxious. Ever. About anything. Including wayward children. God didn't give us that command without understanding every situation we might encounter. So don't worry. Don't fret. Don't stress. Don't.
God is an infinitely better PARENT that we could ever hope to be. So to worry, fret and labor to "fix" your child (going past your parental obligation; more on that in a minute) is to either not trust God's ability, or to elevate your own parenting skills over His. So what are the obligations of parents towards are young adult children (wayward or not)?
Pray for your children. Pray for their salvation. Pray that God will allow them to suffer enough they will want to change. Pray that people and circumstances will come into their life that will help them see the light.
Set an example for them. Continue to live a consistent and courageous example for them. Don't waver, beg or give into any deception or manipulation. Even if it takes several years, maybe decades, never let them see your faith wane, or your love for them falter (don't confuse "love" with "weakness" or passive approval).
Give them Godly, wise advice when appropriate. Some people will say "never give unsolicited advice". I don't agree with this when it comes to our children, even our adult children. I think the wise and prudent parent will learn the appropriate time to "butt in", and when to wait patiently. The butting in will be the exception, but there are DEFINITELY times when it is called for especially in the youthful rebellion situation.
"Butting in" does not mean nagging, lecturing or beleaguering your child with relentless hounding, accusations and pointing out their every indiscretion. This will only drive them from you emotionally and physically. However, even though your advice, unsolicited or not, will be met with resistance, if you give it in love, calmly and succinctly, it will "plant" inside them and hopefully bear fruit down the road.
Do not enable them. I hate psychobabble but not "enabling" your child means not doing things that help them further their destructive lifestyle. It might be helping them financially while they do drugs or shack up with someone. It might be rescuing them from their poor choices rather than letting them feel the pain and take personal responsibility for the consequences. Many parents mistake "unconditional love" for an excuse to not say "NO!" when "no" is the right answer (pleas for money, accommodation or acceptance of bad behavior, etc.). Weakness fools us into thinking "I'll just drive them further away if I don't help them". | | |  | | | | | | | |
Many parents enable their wayward adult children because the kids "guilt trip" them, manipulate or deceive them, or simply because the parents don't have the backbone and courage to say "NO!" and allow the child to either 1) suffer the painful consequences, or 2) descend even further into their destructive circumstances. Sometimes it is necessary to let your child hit ROCK BOTTOM before they are ready to genuinely change directions. Sometimes the best thing a parent can do is ask a Loving God to make the rebellious child's choices so painful, they will turn from them. This is a hard but brave choice for Godly parents at times.
To the reader: pray for her, be an example of Godliness for her, do not enable her in any way. At this point, quit "trying everything" and trust God to parent/protect/preserve/restore her.
Readers, what do you think? What would your advice be? I'll post this on the forum so we can get some group input. You can find it on the forum here... |